Dirty Dirty Jokes ⋆ Patriots Hemp

Announcer: From the Redd Foxx Comedy Club in Los Angeles, Penthouse Video presents “Dirty, Dirty Jokes” with your host for the evening, the undisputed king of kinky comedy, the godfather of dirty, dirty jokes, Mr. Redd Foxx, and starring the hoodlum of humor Mr. Andrew Dice Clay… What do you mean, “bisexual”?

You either suck dick or you don’t. …featuring the sultan of smut Mr. Bob Schimmel… Guys really love them, though. You’ve never met a guy where a girl goes, “Hey, want a blow job?” “Nah.” …and the dirty one-liner wonder man Mr. Jackie Martling…

See, it’s hard to tell stories about animals, ’cause you get confused. ‘Cause if a sheep is a ram, and a mule is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose? …and the Rolls-Royce of raunch Reynaldo Rey… I’ll take a little 68: You do me and I’ll owe you one.

…with the lovely Miss Lotus Weinstock who talks to you ladies about the subtle art of attracting that special man. And a rare guest appearance by John Wayne, also known as Mr. Denny Johnston. Buenos nachos, scumbags. Announcer: And now your host Redd Foxx! Tonight we have the choicest collection of dirty minds

Ever collected in one place, to appear on the same stage during the course of one evening. With the help of “Penthouse Magazine,” we’ve been able to contact quite a few club owners across the country and ask them to send us their best X-rated comic. And they’re all here tonight,

So you’ll hear plenty of shit tonight. Now to start things off, let’s look at this rising star, the sultan of smut Bob Schimmel. Hey, Bob Schimmel! Bob Schimmel! Well, this is a great evening. I was kind of depressed today. I read in the newspaper this morning that people can actually make money

Donating sperm to sperm banks. And that really bothered me, because last year alone I let $500-600 slip through my fingers. I’m having problems with my wife. She showed me an article in the “Cosmo” magazine about the G-spot. Have you heard about this? They found a new spot on a woman’s body

That’s supposed to produce the most unbelievable orgasm. It’s supposed to last, like, 30 minutes. What does the guy do for 30 minutes? What, do you go to 7-Eleven, get a six-pack, some cigarettes? You come back– she’s not done yet. So we went to a marriage counselor. He said, “What you gotta do is

Take your wife to one of these adult toy stores and get some marital aids and go home and experiment with them and broaden your sex life.” My wife found a vibrator that takes, like, 20 D-cell batteries. You could jump-start your fucking car with this thing.

Why do people say, “Excuse me,” after they fart? Wouldn’t it be better if they said, “Look out,” before they did it? And then they say stuff like, “What did you eat today?” What, is that gonna make a difference now?

“I ate at Taco Bell. You want to help me put the wallpaper back up?” Remember a few years ago if you went to the doctor and he told you you had the clap, you went, “Oh, God, I can’t believe it”? Now when they tell you that, you go, “Whew.”

They said they might have a cure for herpes, but they have to test it out on rats first. How do they give a rat herpes? What, do they tell some girl at the clinic, “Look, you’ve already got the herpes. Fuck the rat, come on. There might be a cure in it for you.”

Actually, animal sex is not funny. I had a friend once that fucked a dog and it was the most disgusting thing I ever watched. I was reading “Penthouse Magazine” today. They have weird ads in “Penthouse” for all the sex aids you can send away for, like Mr. Big cream.

You rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger. Wouldn’t your hands get bigger too? What else do they sell? Vibrating butt plugs. Who invented this? Who took it to the patent office? But, you know, ladies and gentlemen, the funny thing about blow jobs– Guys love blow jobs.

The only thing they don’t like about them is when you’re all done and the girl cuddles up to you and goes, “Come here, sweetheart.” Don’t you want a little wine or something first? How about a cigarette? You don’t smoke? Start smoking. And the sick thing is, you know you’re gonna have to do it, ’cause if you don’t, you know she’ll think, “That’s real nice. He wants me to suck his dick, but he won’t kiss me.

How can I get even with him?” And you find out, because when you kiss her, you find out she hasn’t swallowed it yet. I wanted to try anal sex with my wife. I said, “Why don’t you lay on your stomach and let me go in the other way?”

And she pulled out a dildo and said, “Let me do you first.” I didn’t like it. I have a hard enough time with a rectal thermometer. Who invented that? “Mommy, I don’t feel good.” “Let me stick this glass rod up your ass. Now how do you feel?” “Worse.”

“Let me take it out. Now how do you feel?” “Better.” “See? It works.” “Great.” When do people decide they’re gonna be gay? What, are you walking down the street one day and say, “You know, I think I’d like a dick up my ass. That sounds like a good idea.”

You’re at the Sizzler, you have a steak, a baked potato, a glass of wine, a cigarette– “You know what would really top this evening off? I think a dick up the ass. It’s not on the menu. Where do I find that?” You ever take a shit and look at it

And it looks like someone you know? Do you tell them? You ever wonder what determines whether it’s gonna be two, three pieces or that one long one that comes up the side of the toilet? It always happens at somebody else’s house. And they don’t have a brush.

Remember when you were a little kid how big your dad’s dick used to look? I think either you’re hung or you’re hung up about it– one or the other. It’s true. A guy can show a picture of a naked girl to his girlfriend, like in a “Playboy Magazine,” and say,

“Don’t you think she’s pretty?” And the girl would say, “Yeah, she’s got a nice face” or “pretty hair” or something. But if a girl shows a picture of a naked guy to her boyfriend, and the guy’s got a really big dick, like four, five inches…

They never have anything positive to say about it. I was at somebody’s house showing a picture of John Holmes. This guy looks like a ride at Magic Mountain. And the husband goes, “Yeah, it’s big, but it doesn’t get completely hard.” Who gives a shit? What are they talking about?

Although you read the letters in “Penthouse” that say, “You know, I’ve been with the guys with the big dicks. And to tell you the truth, I’d rather have a warm, loving, sensitive man with a five-inch penis than a man with a nine-inch penis.” Women write these? They don’t write these letters.

Men write them and they sign women’s names to them. That’s how that works. My wife wants to get a cat for a pet. I like dogs. They’re a lot more fun. You can play Frisbee with them. You can go jogging with a dog.

She said, “Cats are better than dogs, ’cause when a dog has to go to the bathroom at 3:00 in the morning, it has to wake you up, you have to get up, you have to let the dog out, you have to wait till he’s done, you have to let him back in.

When a cat has to go, they don’t bother anybody. They just shit in a box.” I don’t like the way that sounds. Shit in a box sounds like something new at McDonald’s. She said, “The cats are so intelligent, you can actually teach them to go on the toilet.”

Yeah, and then when you have to go, the cat’s in there. ( knocks ) “Morris, how long are you gonna be? Forget it. Where’s the box?” Then you use the box and your friends come over and go, “What, have you got a mountain lion for a pet here?”

I was talking to this guy today who was out with his girl last night. He said, “Yeah, I fucked the shit out of her.” You know, I never want to see anything like this. Doesn’t sound good to me. “I fucked her brains out.” Ugh. I think I know a few of these girls.

I like when you’re with a girl and a guy goes, “Hey, fuck her once for me.” What do you say? “Oh, and this is for a friend of mine”? When I reached puberty when I was, like, 19, my mom said, “Bob, you’re gonna be getting these funny feelings pretty soon

And I just want you to know that it’s normal to want to play with yourself.” And I said, “Ma, you’re a sick fuck. Get out of here, will you?” You don’t need your mother’s permission to do this. And I could never do it, ’cause I’m afraid of dying an embarrassing death.

With my luck, I’d be in bed with, like, 12 or 13 “Penthouse Magazines.” Just at that magic moment a blood vessel would burst in my head and I’d die with my dick in my hand. My parents would come home with company, “This is Robert’s room.” “It’s so tiny.” I met this girl. We went out one night. She said, “You want to have the most unbelievable orgasm in your life? You let somebody stick a knotted rag up your ass and just when you’re ready to come, you have them pull it out.”

So I said, “Okay, I’m willing to try anything once,” until I see her taking the rag out of the trunk of her car. So I said, “I don’t want the rag.” She said, “You know what else is just as good? You let somebody stick a string of beads up your ass.”

I said, “Okay.” So I’m at the hospital getting the beads removed and the doctor pulled the string and I came like a motherfucker. It was unbelievable. Well, you guys have been a great crowd. You got a great show coming up for you. It’s been a real pleasure working here, especially meeting the king, Redd Foxx. He’s definitely the ultimate. Thank you very much. – ( music playing ) – ( cheering and applause ) All right. That was Bob Schimmel.

Next is a real good friend of mine from way back. He’s a writer, a producer and a comedian. He’s done a lot of work in the industry. He has three albums and you might have one of them. He may be the best you’ve ever heard– old R.R.

We call him the Rolls-Royce of dirty comedy. His latest album is “Reynaldo Rey Live.” Reynaldo Rey! Expected a Mexican, didn’t you? This name has fucked me up all my life. I know I’m weird. I look weird. When I was growing up, I was weird

And I knew it because people would look at me and say, “He’s weird.” And, see, it’s rough growing up in the ghetto, you know, when you’re a hot yellow redhead, freckled-faced, black, Indian country boy with a Mexican name. And I look in the mirror, I know we didn’t come from Africa

Looking like this. Somebody fucked around. There’s either been a coon in the barnyard, a taco in the ham hocks or a cracker in the cookie jar. But that’s all right. I went to New York to check out my family tree, and I hate New York. Any New Yorkers in here?

– Man: Yeah! – Rey: Fuck you. I wish King Kong had eaten that big, raggedy motherfucker up. ( chuckles ) I hate New York. I met my ex-wife in New York. I thought that woman walked in, looked just like my ex-wife tonight, scared the shit out of me.

‘Cause I ain’t paying no alimony. I don’t believe in alimony. That’s like paying for a car that you can’t drive. If I ever send a woman some alimony, bitch better send me some pussy back in the mail. I was in a bar the other day. A drunk come in, walked up to the bartender. He was all disheveled. For you dropouts, that’s “fucked up.” He approached the bartender. He said, “Bartender, give me a drink quick, man.” The bartender said, “What’s your problem?” He said, “Man, I was standing on the corner,

Minding my own self business. A big truck come by and knocked my thing off, knocked my thing right out of my hand. And it slid down in the gutter, God damn it.” The bartender said, “Stupid, ain’t no truck knocked your thing off.” He said, “Swear to God, man.

I picked it up and put it in my pocket. Got it right here. I’ll show you my thing.” The bartender said, “Stupid, that ain’t your thing. That’s an old cigar.” “Wrong pocket.” “See, man? My thing. A truck just knocked my shit out of my hand.” The bartender said, “Stupid, that’s another old cigar.” “Oh, my God, I smoked my dick!” I’m a family man. I was married three times

To three Zodiac freaks– a Cancer, a Scorpio and a Sagi-crabby-ass. I’m so sick of that Zodiac shit. “What’s your sign?” “A dollar sign, bitch. Give it up.” Women are so much into this shit, it’s sickening. The other night, I’m in the throes of passion, approaching orgasmic bliss with one of them Scorpio freaks.

– Woman: Ow! – Right on, Mama. And this girl said, “Reynaldo, what’s your sign?” I said, “Aquarius, Mama.” She said, “Oh, my God, we’re not compatible.” I said, “Leo, Taurus, Alligator, God damn.” “Bring that pussy back.” See, and I was married to three of them freaks, man.

All three of my wives treated me bad. All three of them died very mysteriously. The first wife died from mushroom poisoning. The second wife died from mushroom poisoning. The third wife died from a fractured skull. This bitch wouldn’t eat the mushrooms. She had to go. Named my only son Herman, Junior,

And my name ain’t even Herman. The mailman was named Herman. I moved from Kansas City to Cleveland to LA. Each place I got the same damn mailman. I know ain’t no route that big. Seriously, I didn’t eat no pussy. I thought white boys ate pussy ’cause they had little, bitty joints.

Now that’s what we grew up thinking. Then we saw “Deep Throat” and saw the dick on that boy, you know. And I said, “He must have colored blood.” See, but now we know white boys ate pussy ’cause it’s good. We’re catching up now. I’m doing my share…

And hope to make a giant step for the brothers tonight. I’ve become a freak. I went to Berkeley. Our textbook was “Anthology of a Freak” written by Billie Jean King. That’s my girl. I think Billy Joe was a man about this shit. When they put the thing on her,

She stood up and said, “I ate the pussy. But the bitch will not get this Malibu house. Ain’t no pussy that good. Now just roll your ass on out of here.” Well, gang, our time is limited – and so they told me– – ( crowd booing ) Oh, isn’t this wonderful? Shit.

I want to say thanks. You’re some nice motherfuckers. Time is limited. I gotta go. But I want to say I love you. Sweet dreams. Good night, ladies. Good luck, dudes. If your luck is bad, fuck it. – ( music playing ) – ( cheering and applause ) Isn’t he great? Reynaldo Rey.

Reynaldo, come on out here. There you go. Reynaldo Rey. All right. Thank you very much. Next, we’d like to introduce the inventor of the dollar dirty jokes. We’d like to welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Martling. Give him a great, big round here. Jackie Martling. So a guy’s getting married on Saturday.

Friday night his friends take him out, get him waylaid, parlayed, Rolaid, mislaid, up-down-up, bing, bang, boom, forget it. His pecker is a mangled mess. He doesn’t know what to do. He takes two popsicle sticks, puts them here, wraps them with adhesive tape.

The next day he gets married. Here they are in the honeymoon suite. She walks out stark-naked. She says, “Look, honey, untouched by human hands.” He gotta think quick. He pulls down his pants, says, “Look, not even out of the crate.” So a guy’s going to the best whorehouse in the entire world at 448 West 48th Street in Manhattan. He has a few beers, by accident goes to 884 West 84th Street. It’s a podiatrist’s office. He walks in. The nurse says, “Go behind the curtain and stick it out through the hole.”

So he does it. She goes, “Whah!” She says, “That’s not a foot!” He says, “I didn’t know there was a minimum.” So a college professor goes to bed with his wife. He’s not tired, so he’s gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep.

So he’s reading. Every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot– tickle-tickle. Tickle– She says, “Will you stop that? Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?” He says, “I’m not teasing you. I’m wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.”

You think that’s tough on you. I tried that stunt with my old lady. The next day she signed me up for Evelyn Wood Speed Reading. A lady gets on a bus. She goes like this. The bus driver goes like this. She goes like this. He goes like this.

She goes like this. He goes like this. She goes like this. A guy in the front says, “What was that?” The bus driver says, “The lady has a little trouble hearing, so we communicate visually. She said, ‘Are you going downtown?’ I said, ‘Uptown.’ She said, ‘Are you gonna stop?’ I said, ‘Express.’

She said, ‘Are you going by a dairy farm?’ I said, ‘The ballpark.’ She said, ‘Shit, I’m on the wrong bus.'” So a guy’s got a big, fat wife. She gets out of the shower, sits on the pot and gets stuck. ( laughs ) So he calls the plumber.

Then he realizes that she’s sitting there naked. He can’t have this. So he gets his bowler derby and puts it on her lap to cover up home base. ( giggling ) So the plumber shows up, walks in, takes one look. He says, “Well, Mac,” he says,

“I think I can save your wife, but the guy in the hat’s a goner.” So a lady’s playing golf. She gets hit in the ass really hard with a golf ball. She goes to the doctor. He says, “Where were you hit?” She says, “Between the first and the second hole.”

He says, “That doesn’t leave a lot of room for the Band-Aid.” Two guys on the elevator. The elevator operator says, “Going down?” “Just conversing.” How about the girl who goes to the gynecologist? He examines her. He says, “You have acute vaginitis.” She says, “Thank you.”

A guy goes on a date, puts in his finger. She says, “Put in another finger.” He says, “What do you want to do, whistle?” What do you call a lesbian that drives a delivery truck full of dildos? A Dick Van Dyke. I wasn’t always hip to cocaine.

The first time a guy told me he just did a toot, I held my breath and left the room. It’s not easy to laugh at that one, ’cause we’re all raised to think that girls don’t do those. So we’re in mixed company, so we can’t giggle at that, right?

But girls do blooters. You know they do. The greatest joke is, a guy picks up a girl for a date. On the way out to the car, she realizes she has to crack a rat. That’s to toss a boom, right? So on the way out to the car, she figures she’ll get in

And while he’s walking around, she can tug a rug. Everything will be fine. So they go out to the car. He opens the door. She gets in. He’s walking around. She lifts her leg and blows a hole in her parachute– blammo! He gets in, he says,

“By the way, dear, I’d like you to meet the couple we’re doubling with.” So a Polish couple is walking along. There’s a black couple with their baby. The Polish guy turns to his wife and says, “You know, we have six children of our own. We’ve never been able to have a black child.”

She says, “You know, I couldn’t help but notice. Why don’t you ask some advice?” He says, “That’s a good idea.” He goes over to the black couple and says, “Your kid’s so cute.” He says, “We have six children of our own. We’ve never been able to have a black child.”

The black guy is like… He says, “Yeah, maybe give us some advice.” The black guy says, “Well, is it about that long?” The Polish guy says, “Oh, no, maybe yo-hey, like this.” “Well, is it about that big around?” “Oh, no, no. The thing is like, yo-hey.”

He says, “That’s the problem. You’re letting in too much light.” You don’t mind if I sit down, do you? So this girl told me this joke down in Savannah. A couple gets married and they’re going to Dallas for their honeymoon. She says, “Come on, let’s get it on.”

He says, “Huh-uh, not until we get to Dallas.” She says, “Come on, we’re married. I want to get it on now.” He says, “Not until we get to Dallas.” She says, “I’ll compromise with you. We’ll do it on the plane.” He says, “On the plane?” She says, “Yeah, you just take it out

And I’ll lift up my dress and–” Have you done that? ( laughing ) She’s looking at me like, “If you get lost, I’ll tell you what’s next.” She says, “You just take it out and I’ll lift up my dress and I’ll sit on it. And nobody will know.”

He says, “Well, what about when we get going?” She says, “You leave everything to me.” So they get on the plane and he takes it out and she lifts up her dress and she sits on it. Some of you ladies feel this, eh? ( laughs )

What am I laughing at? So do I. She sits on it. She says to the girl in front of her, she says, “Are you going to Dallas? Oh! Are you going to Dallas? Ohh! Are you going to Dallas? Ohh! ♪ Everybody’s going to Dallas. ♪ A lady goes for her first golf lesson.

The pro says, “You gotta hold the club like you hold your husband’s organ.” She takes the club, hits the ball. He says, “Beautiful, a perfect shot, right down the fairway. Now take the club out of your mouth and put it in your hands. We’ll go for distance.”

I happen to like oral sex myself. I’m not crazy about the view. That’s why pubic hair is curly– so it won’t poke you in the eye, right? A couple’s in the living room. He says, “You’re dry tonight.” She says, “You’re licking the rug.” You were great. I’m Jackie Martling. Good night. Thank you. Unique isn’t the word for this next guy. He’s our own tough and dirty guy Andy Dice Clay. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider. He sat down beside her. He said, “Hey, what’s in the bowl, bitch?” Roses are red. Violets are blue.

I’m a schizophrenic. So am I. Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Joe came down with 2.50. He didn’t go for no water. Was an old lady lived in a shoe. She had so many kids, she didn’t know what to do. So she started giving head.

Worked out. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack jumped over a candlestick. How impressive. But, you see, Jack wasn’t so nimble and Jack’s just not that quick. So now poor Jack’s in the hospital… ( chuckles ) with a burned fucking dick.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone. She bent over. Rover took over. Hey, she got a bone of her own, I don’t know. I mean, Little Bo Peep lost her sheep– big fucking deal. I lost my wallet– nobody’s talking about me. Screw that sleazy whore already.

Let me know when she loses her virginity– that’s a story. But what I want to know is who’s this guy Dr. Seuss? Whoever gave this guy a license to practice medicine? He’s got one fish, two fish, a red fish, a blue fish. He’s got ten apples up on top,

Eats green eggs and ham and keeps his cat in his hat. Now, I don’t know about you people, but… ( chuckles ) this guy ain’t shoving a thermometer up my ass. I don’t need that kind of pressure from nobody. It’s enough I live up here in Hollywood, right?

Yeah, a great place. You know, they got a lot of gay people up here. You notice that? They’re all over the place. It’s like a fungus. You know what I’m talk–? I’m not kidding. It’s like you got herpes, AIDS and fag-itis.

You know what I’m saying? They come from Faggotroid. They’re not from this planet. They march up and down Santa Monica Boulevard with T-shirts on– “I want money for AIDS.” Well, I want money for a new fucking car. I ain’t going up and down the street, right? Get a job, buttfucker, okay?

Find something else you like. I mean, personally, I couldn’t see having some guy rip my rectum to shreds and turn around and say, “I love you.” Why don’t you just put a bullet in my head while you’re at it? I ain’t gonna be able to shit for three months as it is.

They don’t know if they want to be called gays, homosexuals, fairies. I call them cocksuckers. I think it spells it out. What’s the big debate about? They got this Richard Simmons, the 1983 Vaseline poster boy. You see this guy yet? What’s the bug up his ass already?

And then I read recently– this really excited me– David Bowie comes out with a statement saying he’s not gay anymore. He gave it up. What did he do, go to the Schick Center for three weeks? Right? I mean, I know this guy sees a Boy Scout troop,

He buckles to his knees. You know what I’m saying? I quit cigarettes too, okay, pal? You need a dick in your mouth– that’s your problem. But it’s not really the faggots that piss me off. I even respect them a little, ’cause they’ve made a decision with their lives. Not like these bisexuals.

What, do these guys wake up in the morning, flip a coin, right? Heads– I want hair pie. Tails– I’ll take balls across the nose. This ain’t a menu. You know what I’m saying? And you know what really cracks me up? You know what really– the punch line?

When they finally do get this AIDS disease, they can’t figure out where it comes from. They have no idea. If you’re walking around with shit on your dick every day, you’re bound to pick something up. You know what I’m saying? This ain’t a 24-hour virus here. You know what I mean?

You ain’t fucking normal. What do you mean, you can’t figure it out? You know, you need the Hershey highway– that’s your problem. Especially when they can’t come up with the cure the next day, you know what I’m saying? Think maybe this is God’s way of saying, “Hey, fellas, this ain’t right.

This ain’t the combination I picked out. What, are you fucking blind?” I guess if I had to bang somebody in the ass… I’d go with Reagan. Thanks. ( chuckles ) I’m gonna have another cigarette. I love to smoke. I started smoking at the Schick Center. It didn’t work for me either. How are you doing? You seem like a nice girl. You know, are you a pig? ( laughs ) Giving the girl a comp–

“No, I’m a fucking pig. I’ll do it any way you want.” No, you’re cute, really. You’re a cute girl. What’s your name? Any idea? – Lela Washington. – No, what’s your name? – Lela Washington. – Lela Washington. Okay. Beautiful– that’s a beautiful name. You’re a cute girl, nice face. Leprosy? ( giggles )

No, I’m teasing you. No, she is a nice girl. Yeah, no, she’s all right. You with her? – No. – No? – I just met him. – You just met him. Yeah. No, you’re cute, really. Anyway, no, I love chicks, you know, especially tits. I’m big on tits– big tits, little tits,

Tits that skip and hop, a happy tit, a sad tit, a tit used as a mop– by Edgar Allan Poe. See, the magic of a tit– there’s magic in tits. You guys don’t know. You see, the magic of a tit is when you touch ’em and they shake… ( chuckling )

You pop a boner. Works out right. Remember when they first came out, with the hard-on? You remember that? Like, in the third, fourth grade, all of a sudden you lean over like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and the teacher goes, “Come on up to the board.”

And you’re sitting there like… ( chuckles ) “No, I don’t think so, honey. No, not today, okay? You’re the teacher. You figure it out, all right? I got some kind of ligament over here. I don’t know what’s going on. The thing’s, like, alien. It’s banging into the desk next to me.

I don’t know what’s happening.” But then you grow up. You learn to accept the hard-on, to deal with it, to control it, to master it, especially that morning hard-on. I’d put that up against that Ginsu knife any day. Yeah, it’ll slice, it’ll dice,

It’ll pump your car up if you got a flat tire also. Yeah, go ahead, honey, hang your laundry, all right? I’m shaving over here. I don’t know. So when you first meet a girl, they’re always on diets. I don’t get it. They weigh six ounces– they’re on a diet.

Then you ask them out. Where do they want to go? Eat, right? Once you got them in a restaurant, they chain themselves to the fucking tables. You can’t get them out of there. They’re like vultures, right? They’re shoving breadsticks in their pocket on the way out, right?

So you take them out. You spend 35-40 bucks, plus tire wear. Everything counts, right? You know what I’m talk– you spend all this cash and what do you get at the end of the night? A kiss on the cheek? Fellas, let’s face it, we could get that from our wives, right?

I mean, a kiss on the cheek was cute five, 10 years ago. You go on a first date, get a kiss on the cheek, I don’t know, maybe a little grinding action. It kept you coming back, right? But, you see, today women are liberated. It’s a whole new ball game.

It’s like on the first date they say things like, “Well, I don’t think we should have intercourse, but I’ll blow ya.” I didn’t make the rules. I just abide by them, really. But don’t think I’m putting women down. I love women, I do. They’re cute. They got a lot of cute quirks.

Like, why is it that every time a girl goes to the bathroom they take along their pocketbook? What, do they shit in the bag? They take along a pocketbook and an extra girlfriend. What’s the extra girlfriend there for? Enthusiasm? “Go ahead, honey, you can do it. Go ahead.

Yeah, unload the truck, go ahead. Pee like a racehorse, hon. Yeah, back it up a little. I gotta get a Polaroid of this. This is beautiful. And I thought Mrs. Cleaver had the beaver. Was I mistaken. Really.” And then with their orgasms– forget it.

They don’t want one. They want 15-20 at a clip, right? A guy has one– he sleeps till Christmas, right? A chick has one– she’s bringing in the troops. It don’t end with them. I mean, let’s face it, right? A guy, you crank him up in five minutes– it’s over, right?

But with a chick, when you go down there, you need scuba gear. You ain’t going down for five minutes. You need a machete just to get through the shrubbery. You know what I’m saying? Then you gotta go, like, on a four-day manhunt, right? You gotta find some G-spot behind door number three, right?

There’s some guy in a boat going to Europe. You gotta track his ass down, right? And after eight hours of working like a dog just to get that one little, “Uhh,” they want to turn around and say, “Talk to me.” Talk to you? I need fucking oxygen, honey, okay?

You want to talk, call your mom. Get me to a hospital. I lost an arm in there, for God’s sakes. With the positions, you gotta fold them, stretch them, bend them. You gotta be fucking Gumby to make love today. You gotta hang them from a chandelier with a pickle in their mouth

To get them off, right? With all the protection they got shoved in there today, they got all– IOUs, coils, dash– I feel like I’m fucking a Chevy half the time. I just don’t need that kind of pressure, you know what I’m saying? I don’t know. You caught that joke. Good. Now I stick to the one-night stand.

Anybody here ever have a one-night stand? You’re all full of shit. I think it’s beautiful– a one-night stand. Here’s my impression of a one-night stand. Get out. I don’t know. So what else? Anybody see “ET, the Extra Testicle”? Anybody see that movie? What kind of movie is this to show human beings, you know? What nine-year-old kid walks out into the middle of the woods and starts playing handball with this half-Mongoloid, half-termite, like it’s a long-lost cousin?

This kid don’t blink an eye. He’s making him blood brothers, bringing him home for beer, meet the family, stay over for the weekend. Me– I’d be standing out there with a fucking bazooka, you know what I mean? Yeah, you gotta make a phone call? Get the fuck out of the neighborhood.

Yeah, put ET in my neighborhood for five minutes, right? In my neighborhood, you walk into the grocery store, you pick up the lid, you go, “Parkay?” Goes, “Fuck you. I gotta say ‘butter’ one more time, somebody’s getting hurt,” right? And then I go home, I turn on HBO

And I see this “Elephant Man.” What is this self-pity bullshit? For three and a half hours I’m sitting there watching this freak of fucking nature walk around going, “I’m not an animal.” And I’m saying, “No?” ( laughs ) “Well, you ain’t no fucking Burt Reynolds, pal, okay?”

Not an animal. The guy’s got a face like a snatch. What do you mean, he’s not an animal? I could pick him out of a lineup, you know what I’m saying? You don’t see too many people like this walking around. Yeah, maybe in 7-Eleven you got a couple, but…

That’s what happened there. You’ve been a great audience. Good night. – ( music playing ) – ( cheering and applause ) Andy Dice Clay– a very funny guy. Some of the finest comedians in the world are women. Remember LaWanda Page as Aunt Esther? ( belches ) Pardon me.

This next young woman you might have seen on TV when she emceed the first annual “Mr. Tush” contest on “Real People.” Her name is Lotus Weinstock. Let’s welcome her– Lotus. Hi. A quick question: how many people here read the “Enquirer”? Say aye. Less than the Bible. I think we’re on the right track.

It’s amazing to me. It’s the biggest-selling paper in the universe and no one ever admits they read it. I actually have an “Enquirer” class every Thursday. I’m kidding. That’s my business. No, I do read the “Enquirer” at the check stands, ’cause I never pay for it.

But they actually have some very enlightening articles in there. I’ve been reading some articles in the Behavioral Science area. I caught one not so long ago written by three men who had PhDs. Collectively they had 933 years of schooling. And they were willing to give it to me in a page.

I’d like to give it to you in a few minutes. Ready for this? Oh. “How to use body signals a man can’t resist. When it comes to attracting that special man, there’s an easy way to do it.” Who knew? “You simply use 10 body language signals to communicate your interest in him

And make him yours, say the experts. The 10 tips are: number one: while conversing, turn an open palm towards him. This signals you’re open to his advances. Number two: lick your lips… …while keeping an open palm. Licking the lips is a definite flirtatious gesture, notes body language expert Julius Fast.

Number three: play with your hair. Touch your hair or twist a lock between your fingers, suggests Dr. Adam Kendon, visiting professor of anthropology at Connecticut College.” Now keep an open palm while you’re playing with your hair, okay? These things are most effective if they’re all done together.

Now we’re playing with the hair, licking the lips and always keeping that open palm, okay? Now we’re getting into some very insightful stuff. “Show off your curves. Twist your body in such a way that the breasts are made slightly more prominent–” give me an inch here, okay?

“–and there’s a kind of wiggle in the hips.” Are you ready for number six? This is really an insight. “Touch his thigh.” Oh, God, I never would have thought of that. “When a woman touches a man’s thigh, even if she’s just met him at a party,

It is signaling, ‘I am very interested in you.'” No shit, Sherlock. Okay, now keep an open palm while you’re touching his thigh. This next one is my personal favorite. “Give him that special look. This is done by closing your eyelids, and then when you open them again, your eyes are looking elsewhere.”

Okay, now “caress your own body. Give him a hint you’re in a sensuous mood by drawing attention to your own body.” “If, while talking to a man, a woman moves her hand down her thigh or touches the top of her breast, it can be a way of saying, ‘This might lead to something.'”

Now try to keep an open palm while you’re touching your breast. Let’s write it all down. We’re drawing attention to– oh, gotta do that right– our own body. We’re giving him that special look. We’re touching his thigh. We’re playing with that hair. We’re licking those lips. And we’re always keeping that open palm.

Okay, now get it all going at once. If he still hasn’t noticed you… …come in for the kill. “Touch an inanimate object as you talk to him.” Can I borrow your drink? I know you won’t believe this, but I’m really interested in you. That’s it. Thank you. You’re hot. – ( music playing ) – You’re very hot. Redd Foxx: They are the singing group now in the living room, but they’re not exactly a Sunday school choir. They’re called Bird & MacDonald. Give a listen to them. ♪ There was an old farmer who lived by a rock ♪ ♪ He sat in the meadow while shaking his fist ♪ ♪ At some boys who were down by the creek ♪ ♪ Their feet in the water, their hands on their marbles ♪ ♪ And playthings and in days of yore ♪

♪ There came a young lady, she looked like ♪ ♪ A pretty young creature, she sat on the grass ♪ ♪ She pulled up her dresses and showed us her ruffles ♪ ♪ And laces and white, fluffy duck, quack ♪ ♪ She said she was learning a new way ♪

♪ To bring up her children and learn them to knit ♪ ♪ While the boys in the barnyard were shoveling refuse ♪ ♪ And litter from yesterday’s hunt ♪ ♪ While the girl in the meadow was rubbing her eyes ♪ ♪ At the fellows as girls sometimes do ♪

♪ To make it quite clear that she wanted to go ♪ ♪ For a nice, pleasant stroll on the grass ♪ ♪ Then hurry back home for a nice piece of ice cream ♪ ♪ And cake that’s the three layers tall ♪ ♪ And after dessert she was ready to go ♪

♪ For another walk down by the duck ♪ ♪ With any young man with a sizeable roll ♪ ♪ Of 100s and a big bulge up front ♪ ♪ If he’d ask politely, she’d show him her little ♪ ♪ Pet dog who was subject to fits ♪

♪ Then maybe she’d let him grab hold of her small ♪ ♪ Tender hands with a movement so quick ♪ ♪ That she’d bend on over and suck on his soda ♪ ♪ So sweetly till she finished it ♪ ♪ Then pulled down her panties to rub on her hip ♪

♪ That she bruised when she ran down the halls ♪ ♪ ‘Cause he tried to force her to lick on his candy ♪ ♪ So tasty, made of butterscotch ♪ ♪ And then he spread whipped cream all over her cookies ♪ ♪ That she had been baking all night ♪

♪ If you think this is dirty, you’re fucking well right. ♪ Thank you very much, folks. The next fellow beat out a lot of stiff competition to win the first international stand-up comics award. Let’s welcome him, folks. Denny Johnston. Denny Johnston! Hello. My name’s Joe Bob Davis. I’m president of the carpenters’ union in Bakersfield, California. And I have several safety tips for you.

When cutting two-by-fours with a goddamn skill saw, make sure that you always wear a pair of these here safety gogglers. even though they do make you look like a real fucking asshole. Then a safety tip number two: don’t ever, ever, ever do this. Here’s my impression of John Wayne if he ever became a stand-up comic. Well, buenos nachos, scumbags. I just rode my horse in from Las Vegas and, boy, are his balls swollen. Well, here’s a little joke for you. What’s the difference between a moose and Lawrence Welk’s orchestra?

On a moose, the horns are up front and the asshole’s in back. Thank you. Well, here’s another little joke for you. What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? Dry Martinez. Uh-huh. Well, here’s another little joke for you. How come they haven’t found out a cure for AIDS yet?

Can’t get those little white laboratory mice to butt-fuck each other. You hear about the blind skunk that tried to rape a fart? A black couple, Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, are sitting at the breakfast room table with their 10-month-old kid. All of a sudden the little kid looks up at Mrs. Jackson and says,

“Mother.” Mr. Jackson looks over and says, “You hear that, honey? He just said half a word.” A guy goes into a doctor’s office. He says, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Doc, but every time I eat something, it comes out looking the same.

I eat a hamburger– it comes out looking like a hamburger. I eat a slice of pizza– it comes out looking like a slice of pizza. Pepperonis are even in the same spot. What the hell am I gonna do, Doc?” The doc says, “Eat shit.” Well, here’s another little joke for you.

What do you call a girl that can suck up a golf ball through a drinking straw? Darlin’. You hear about the prostitute that went on a fishing trip with seven guys and came home with a big red snapper? Well, fuck you. I don’t write this shit.

Remember the girl that got eaten by the shark in “Jaws”? How’d they find out she had dandruff? Found her head and shoulders on the beach. If you don’t like my jokes, come up and tell me personally, and I’ll rip off your head and shit in your neck. Don’t make no difference to me. Three old guys are sitting in a rest home. One guy’s 70, one’s 80 and the third one’s 90. Well, they’re sitting around talking one day

And the 70-year-old says, “Boy, I wish I could take a healthy piss again.” The 80-year-old says, “I got no problem doing that. I just wish I could take a healthy shit again.” Well, the 90-year-old looks over and says, “Every morning at 7:00 I take a healthy piss.

About 9:20 on the button I take a healthy shit. I just wish I could wake up before noon.” Thank you. Anybody here– how many of you know who Jack Nicholson is? I think if Jack Nicholson couldn’t get a great job as an actor in a film and the only job they offered him was to host a television kiddie show, this is how I think Jack would handle the job. All right, you little turd droppers… now before we start to tape the “McMurphy the Clown” show, Uncle Jack wants to talk to you kids about a few things that are starting to piss him off. Last week we had what we call “share period” and little Suzy Thompson said

That she wanted to come up and show us all her little pussy. Uncle Jack thought she was talking about a goddamn cat. So remember, kids, if this stuff continues to happen, Uncle Jack’s gonna have to put his hands around your little necks and squeeze real hard till your fucking eyes pop out. Thanks. Well, I gotta be getting off now. My mom gave me that joke. How many of you know who Jimmy Stewart is? This is my impression of James Stewart if he ever decided to do the Beatles song “Blackbird.” ( clears throat ) Piece of shit. Goddamn fucking piece of shit. I– I– I have a good mind to take this guitar back to the man I bought it from and ram it up his fucking ass. This end first. Unless he’s got hemorrhoids. That’d be more fun. Thank you. You’ve been great. Thank you. Thank you. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, folks. Thank you very much. Thank you for coming into our club. Well, that’s– that’s our lineup for this evening. And I hope you weren’t offended here by the show.

If you were offended and you stayed until the end, then you are a dummy. So drive carefully and come again. See you next time. Good night, folks. – ( cheering and applause ) – ( muttering ) Good night. Thank you very much. Thank you.