Bill Burr on Women for 20 minutes straight. ⋆ Patriots Hemp

i feel i love women but you know what
i’m finding i’m not compatible with them
you know
i’m serious
women have like too much energy for me
that’s what i’ve noticed you know like
you can’t have a day off when you have a
girlfriend
they just like see that open day they’re
like oh my god let’s go fill it up with
some stuff
no and then they just come at you with
one horrible idea after another
horrible ideas like you want to make
some sandwiches and go to the park
every one of the ideas involves like
walking around like looking at stuff
it’s almost like they’re trying to wear
you down
after like two or three stores you’re
like leaning on stuff i don’t care
just buy something i don’t care
you know what the worst one is
you ever get that one you want to go to
brunch
you want to go to branch on sunday
and inside you’re like now
but you can’t say that you got to keep
them happy right that’s what they do
you’re like yeah let’s go to brunch
what a great idea
why would you want to sleep in on a
sunday when you can go pay 18 for eggs
now you think it
now you’re thinking
then we can sit around and listen to
your friends have moronic conversations
about the eggs like is that pesto
is that pesto in your omelet
oh it’s asparagus
it’s asparagus i thought it was texture
oh you just want to flip the whole table
over
and just run out of there
so
i was dating this girl recently this
girl’s like really like into like
women’s issues
she got me his book on women’s live one
time right so i’m reading this thing i
think women’s live was a great thing
like back in the 70s i thought it was
cool you know over the last couple years
though i think that whole women’s
movement it’s really starting to morph
into kind of like this reverse pimping
kind of thing you know
because every time you see them on tv
they always say all we want is be
treated exactly like guys right but if
you listen to them they don’t they only
want the good stuff of being a guy
they look at a guy’s life like it’s like
a buffet
like you just can start picking out
stuff like same amount an hour we’ll
take some of that pay for the movie
that’s okay you can keep that one i like
that one
this is nice that’s yucky that’s icky
come on people you can’t choose
this girl gave me a rough time one time
she goes well why does a guy make more
an hour to do the exact same job i go
i’ll tell you why because in the
unlikely event that we’re both on a
titanic and it starts to sink for some
screwed up reason you get to leave with
the kids and i have to stay
[Applause]
no that’s why i get the dollar more an
hour
you know if there’s a house fire it’s
always women and children first
i gotta stand there with like the back
of my shirt on fire go let’s go people
let’s go let’s go
so that’s how i look at it
no it’s a dollar an hour surcharge
seriously that if something screwed up
happens either i can’t leave or i gotta
like get in the way of it to give you a
head start like rabid dog run honey one
mississippi two mississippi
you hear a bump in the night i gotta go
check it out like yes he does have a
knife
[Applause]
no i don’t think a woman should make a
doll less an hour to do the exact same
job okay i’m not saying that all i’m
saying is if you’re gonna make what i
make when the boat sinks you better be
standing right there next to me listen
to that guy play the cello then you get
the corner office
i don’t got a problem you got all the
benefits
that’s why i didn’t like that movie the
titanic you know you know i hate about
that movie every girl i meet thinks that
movie’s romantic like my god that was so
romantic don’t you think
no
no i don’t it was a horror film
and they always like why why because all
the guys die
see you’re sitting there watching it
going who would i be in that scenario
you’d be that chick floating away in the
big piece of luggage i’m watching it
going who would i be i’d be that dude
when like the boat breaks in half that
dude who like falls straight down bangs
off the stuff and goes into the water
that’s so i’d be
i’d be wearing a tuxedo not because i
wanted to but you wanted to dress up
that night right
and i’d just be falling the whole way
down i should have humped that chicken
first place
i saw a woman a couple months back
professional soccer player right she
goes on to espn on one of these sports
channels and she starts bitching
going like i don’t understand how come
female athletes don’t make as much as
male professional athletes
right and all of these men had to sit
there and act like they didn’t know what
the answer was
they had to sit there like dumbfounded
like
i don’t know
why is that
that is a conundrum i have i have no
idea
literally i’m sitting at home screaming
at the tv because you don’t sell any
[ __ ] tickets
nobody is going to women’s soccer games
you’re playing in a 20 000 seat arena
1500 people show up that’s not a good
night
the promoter lost his [ __ ] ass on
that gig
football do you watch a week i watch i
watch two games on sunday i tape three
right then i watch the monday game and
then tuesday i watch one of the three
that i taped wednesday i watch another
one then i watch the thursday night game
and then friday i get to watch the
sunday night game saturday i watch
college football okay and it’s fine okay
because i have a simple
male brain
that can just sit there and just just
enjoy it i can just enjoy it so so does
your wife watch any of these games with
you does she she has the female complex
multitasking brain
that’s why they can’t be happy they just
they just
always they’re like what is that lizard
that can look at two things at once
that’s what they like
so they’ve got the shoes they want and
then they see some other women walking
and going oh look at this skinny [ __ ]
over here she thinks she’s cute right
that’s what i’ve learned oh god what
makes women happy nothing
nothing makes them happy and that is why
they are slowly taking over the nfl
because it ignores them that that we can
just sit there with like a pizza and a
drink like dude that’s not holding just
just be like and enjoy yourself so
you’re saying that you because you’re
happy
that you think uh your wife and women in
general want to take jealous of it
they’re jealous how simple
the male brain is you can just sit there
and be entertained and fight true
happiness and it just bugs them so they
gotta ruin it they have slowly taken
over the nfl you know all next month
once again they’re going to address
everybody in the nfl like newborn baby
girls for whatever reason
did you forget that there’s breast
cancer yeah a year ago yeah so they did
it last year they’re going to do it
again this year yes they’re slowly going
to take it over and they get they’re
going to they’re going to move us out
because i’m telling you i don’t
understand why they keep trying to go
into a male
football league it’s like why don’t you
guys band together and start your own
league
get your own thing going but i realized
they don’t want their own thing
they don’t want their own [ __ ] they they
want our [ __ ]
i don’t know what it is and it’s i think
it’s because we’re happy we’re just
sitting there enjoying ourselves having
a good time without them it drives them
nuts and they just got to go in there
and ruin it so they don’t like they got
women’s basketball
they don’t even like it they don’t even
like
football
they don’t even like football i don’t
get it i don’t get like the fascination
like if my wife is having like three of
her friends over i screw
i leave i don’t need to be there and
ruin it for i don’t i know you guys
i’m gonna change the dynamic because i’m
there and you can’t talk about 100
female stuff out of courtesy i’m going
to get out of here i’m going to leave
but they can’t do that you’re saying one
guy one shoulder
[Applause]
all right now you know whatever i’ll
tell that story better next time i’m
going to get it right all right
[Applause]
i got a girlfriend man i watch a lot of
uh watch a lot of tv with her you know i
just annoy the hell out of her she loves
watching the oprah winfrey show and i
love like watching her watch the oprah
winfrey show
and i wait for oprah to say something
stupid the second she does i just take
it out of my girl because i’m an [ __ ]
that’s what i do
[Applause]
no we’re watching it the other day you
know oprah’s on there she’s interviewing
some clam you know
and uh
she’s giving her this big ridiculous
intro like she’s done this she’s done
that she’s done this and she does the
most difficult job on the planet she’s
the mother and continues on immediately
i just look at my girlfriend
like really
being a mother is the most difficult job
on the planet
oh yeah all those mothers who die every
year from black lung from inhaling all
that coal dust
dude women are just constantly patting
themselves on the back
about how difficult their lives are and
no one corrects them because they want
to [ __ ]
so there’s just this tornado of like
misinformation they’re the most
difficult job on the planet
what would you rather be doing drilling
to the center of the earth shaking hands
with the devil every time there’s a
rumble in the ground you wait for the
whole thing to collapse down on top of
you so they can write that folk song
about you you know
would you rather be up in the sunshine
running around with a couple of toddlers
that you can send to bed anytime you
want some sort of trumped up charges
right
because you want to have a drink and
watch the price is right you know what i
mean
i couldn’t believe it it’s the most
difficult job on the planet oh yeah
i thought roofing in the middle of july
is a redhead i thought that that was
difficult
but these mothers are bending over at
the waist putting dvds into dvd players
i don’t know how they do it
i don’t know how they do it
dude any job that you can do in your
pajamas is not a difficult job all right
let’s get a break
this is 35 years old playing hide and go
seek you’re living the dream
you’re living the dream no time card no
taxes you’re off the [ __ ] grid
making popsicle stick houses i mean
it’s the most difficult job on the
planet oprah’s not even a mother how the
[ __ ] would she know
unbelievable
[Applause]
you want everyone today to have as
miserable a childhood as
no but it was kind of funny
we know it’s hilarious because my mother
just popped up and just immediately
started cleaning up and my dad just kept
eating like he didn’t like
like the rolls were defined back then
now the guy has to throw the milk he has
to clean it up while telling his wife
she’s brave for just sitting there
like whatever that is that you hear it
oh oh i know
women are so overrated right we
we went from not listening to them to
now it’s just it’s just you know it’s
just it’s ridiculous like that believe
women it’s like all of them
how about
how about 85 i’ll give you 87
all right
but then last 13 that keys your car lets
your [ __ ] on fire and puts a family pet
in a in a pot of stew
who put a pet in a pot of stew
blend clothes
that’s okay all right
it’s unbelievable can’t understand you
female voice does not travel well
i don’t know what it is
up close or in a whisper it can make you
dick hard
but beyond 10 feet it just sounds like a
couple of birds fly you know
fighting over a french fry or something
you know
there you go
that’s how we start nobody’s coming out
of the gate
i’m uh i’m sick of obama’s wife
yeah
he’s running this isn’t some democrat
republican [ __ ] this is just in general
just running her yap it’s just like shut
up
you know
you weren’t elected
you know your husband isn’t running a
lemonade stand he’s running the country
no generally speaking first ladies
they’ve been out of line for a good 25
30 years
they think for some reason that their
husband has the job that now they should
be chiming in like they know some [ __ ]
you know
dude if you had a leak at your house and
you called the plumber and the plumber
comes in and he starts fixing it what
would you do with five seconds later his
wife who isn’t a plumber comes walking
well i think we should ride it over here
it’s like
shut up
just cause you’re [ __ ] the plumber
doesn’t mean you understand plumbing
okay
now
this is all like my fears because
they’re trying to tell us
down uh south here that like they’re
starting to like gear up for hillary
clinton to be running for president
saying like i think that would be a good
thing
yeah people clapping
what is that based on
based on what
i don’t get how she became a senator
that’s shocking to you she went from
never holding political office to
immediately being a senator why because
she was [ __ ] the president
should tom brady’s wife be the next
quarterback of the rams
[Applause]
does he have some sort of magical powers
like you suck at sports i couldn’t throw
it all and then he [ __ ] me and i just
picked up this ball and i was just i was
just lacing it in there it was
incredible
dude it all started
it all started with nancy reagan
that’s where it first went off the rails
you know
she came out with her little bird body
you know just
your big head
just came walking out saying no to drugs
and people off your heroine say you know
today she just walked back
hillary had her stupid health care plan
obama’s wife’s running a yap on 60
minutes you know
i got to give it up to the bushes they
had their women in line
they did
barbara never said [ __ ] she smiled every
once in a while she threw something in
there george w’s wife i don’t even know
her name
stu was in office for eight years i
don’t even know her [ __ ] name
was it like beth or paige or something
like that
he had her on lockdown
going out there tonight i’m giving a
speech and when i say something and they
laugh you’re gonna nod you’re gonna
smile and you’re gonna nod that head
[Applause]
is this how it’s gonna be really do you
think like me saying this is somehow
gonna affect she’s still gonna win
listen let me ask you this question do
you think that a woman being president
is gonna affect anything
do you oh do you
what are they gonna do
what are they gonna do what’s she gonna
what the [ __ ] is she gonna do uh
speaking of which yeah uh relationships
you were engaged but yes and you broke
off that engagement recently is that
true yeah that’s absolutely true now was
this a painful thing or kind of amicable
oh yeah it was really it was fine it was
perfectly fine i didn’t know you of
course it was painful
i don’t know
oh you brought up your engagement all
right yeah was that like did you throw a
dance party
on on orange is the new black your
character has uh a lot of tats yeah do
you get those put on you have you have a
tab that says oh no no i have this
that’s that’s all my ink i have this uh
mic on so yeah that’s all right be a
gentleman and help me out with my point
hey
cody can you believe that marriage
didn’t work out
i can’t believe your relationships don’t
work out
talking about domestic violence right
for the 9 millionth time this year
they’re talking about domestic violence
just in case you know you didn’t get the
memo
you know evidently you know just some
people didn’t get it it’s not okay to
slam your wife’s head into the cupboard
drawers
because she didn’t dry the can opener
off properly you
know
it’s gonna [ __ ] rust right
how do you not know not to do that [ __ ]
do they really have to keep talking
about it
like who it’s like wife beaters watching
for oh
[ __ ]
now i get it upside daisy sweetheart
here we go there you go
[Applause]
so at the end of the hour they come to
the logical conclusion they’re like
there is no reason to hit a woman there
is no reason to hit a woman
and i was just like really i could give
you like 17 right off the top of my head
you could wake me from a drunken stupor
i could still give you like nine
dude there’s plenty of reasons to hit a
woman you just don’t do it
but to sit there and suggest that
there’s no reason
though the level of ego behind that
statement
are you levitating above the rest of us
you’re never annoying
women how many times have you thought
about slapping you you [ __ ] guy in
the head this week
[Applause]
there you go
everything
you didn’t do it right
oh dude drives me nuts there’s no reason
there’s no reason really no reason how
about this you marry a girl you fall in
love you buy her a house you go to work
every day paying off the house you come
home one day she’s banging the next door
neighbor hands you divorce papers you’re
gonna move out sleep on a futon and
still pay for that house that she’s
gonna stay in no reason
i’m not saying you should do it but
there’s plenty of [ __ ] reasons
in that arc of a story
i’m done okay i’m sorry like nine
thousand dollars to [ __ ] fly here
no offense but there’s no eiffel tower
here i think that’s a little pricey
thank you
you’re welcome
thank you for not just laughing thank
you for verbally letting me know that
you appreciated that
thank you
[Applause]
she either has no stairs in her house or
someone doesn’t know how to walk up them
did you call did you call the planner
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
or something
[Applause]
okay
[Applause]
well that’s how i heard it