[Applause] I hate guns personally. I can’t stand them. Yeah, but I have several. I don’t want them, but I feel like I need them. Don’t forget where I live. I live in Ohio. And anyone that knows anything about Ohio knows that even the word Ohio is an old Native American word. It means literally uh land of poor white people. And I don’t know what’s going on down here, but in my experience, uh, poor white people love, and I mean they [ __ ] love heroin. They can’t seem to get enough of it. I didn’t even know what I was looking at at first. I was just driving like, why are all these white people so sleepy out here? Do you think It’s really bad. A matter of fact, I was coming out of the nightclub the other night in Dayton and I had parked my car in the alley and no one was out there. I didn’t have no bodyguards or nothing. I was home. I figured everything was fine. And as soon as I opened my car door all by myself, suddenly one of these heroin addicted whites just pops out of a trash can. It scares the [ __ ] out of me. I scream, “Ah! And then I realized it was a woman. She was [ __ ] up. She’s like, “Hey, man. Hey, man. Relax. Okay, I’m sick. All right. I need some drugs, man. Please. I’ll suck your dick for $5, man.” I was like, “To Obviously, [Applause] I’m joking. This opioid crisis is a crisis. I see it every day. It’s as bad as they say. It’s ruining lives. It’s destroying families. Sadly, you know what it reminds me of? Seeing it reminds me of us. These white folks look exactly like us during the crack epidemic. You know, it’s really crazy to see. And all this [ __ ] they talk about on the news about how divided the nation is. I don’t believe it. I feel like nowadays we’re getting a real good look at each other. It’s wild because I even have insight into how the white community must have felt watching the black community go through the scores of crack. Because I don’t care either. Hang in there, whites. Just say no. What’s so hard about that? [Applause] Remember when y’all said that to us? But it’s okay. There’s no grudges. Now you finally got it right. Once it started happening to your kids, you realize it’s a health crisis. These people are sick. They are not criminals. They are sick. Be that as it may, I’m armed to the teeth. First gun I bought was a 12- gauge shotgun. I didn’t want the gun. Remember though, I’d moved to a farm and I was sitting there on the porch and I see a white dude walking across my property entitled like he’s supposed to be there. He had a rifle over his shoulder, too. Ain’t that a [ __ ] I said, “What the [ __ ] is this guy doing on my property?” I was mad as [ __ ] but I was unarmed. So, I ended up just waving to this [ __ ] like a [ __ ] I was just like, [Applause] and as soon as he got far enough away, I ran to my car and sped to Kmart. This is in a rural white area. And remember, I was nervous cuz a guy was on my property. I’m black and I was sweaty. You know what I mean? And I ran to the gun counter, black and sweaty, sweating and black. And I looked up at the [ __ ] I was like, I look like a slave or something. I said, I need a gun. Immediately like that. Just like that. The guy didn’t answer no questions. He just grabbed a 12 gauge shotgun, handed it to me. I never even held a gun before. I’m not a dummy. I’m like, “Well, I need I need some bullets, too.” And the guy reached under the counter, put two box shells on the counter. He said, “All right, buddy. Which box do you want?” And I didn’t know. One box had a picture of some ducks on it. The other box had a picture of some deer. I said, “Well, what’s that box with them ducks?” He said, “Oh, that there’s birdshot.” And then he goes just like this. I’m not exaggerating. He goes, “That won’t kill a man.” They said, “It’ll just pepper him up nicely.” I said, “What the [ __ ] Pepper?” You know what it means to pepper a [ __ ] up? It means that when the shell explodes, hot BB’s will shoot out of the barrel of the gun. Not killing a [ __ ] but penetrating their skin and shallow flesh. Boy, that’s got to hurt. Hot BB’s. Remember when Dick Cheney shot a [ __ ] in the face and he lived? That was bird shot. I said, “Well, what’s that box with the deer on it?” He goes, “Oh, that there’s buckshot. That’ll put a hole in the goddamn truck if you wanted to.” [Applause] But I didn’t know that if you’re defending your home with a shotgun, the formula dictates that you’re supposed to buy both boxes. This was not a formula that I was familiar with. It goes like this. The six shots and 12 gauge shotgun. So when you load the gun, you load it like this. First shot, bird shot. Next shot, buck shot, bird shot. And then after that, guns Jamaican. Buck shot. Buck shot. Buck shot. [Applause] I know it’s [ __ ] up, but I tell you the truth. You know, everything everything’s funny. Everything’s funny till it happens to you. 3 months. A mere three months after that terrible attack that Chris Rocken endured. I was on stage at the Hollywood Bowl and the lunatic jumped out of the crowd and attacked me. Now I got to tell you, if it happens to you, you don’t even know what the [ __ ] is happening. It was like slow motion. I just looked over. I don’t know this [ __ ] I was looking said, “Oh my god, I’m I’m being attacked.” And this [ __ ] was ragged. He jumped at me. He was like, “I’m old, but I’m fast.” I I caught this motherfucker’s head with my hand and pulled his hoodie over his eyes. I can still feel his head in my hand. It was spongy. They had been growing dreadlocks. Not the beautiful dreads that grow. These were accidental LA homeless dreads. This [ __ ] had leaves and sticks and bottle caps and [ __ ] in it. Some kind of grease. I was like like this and then I fell down and he knocked me all the way on the ground and and I was like, man, this is a bad situation. I might I don’t know if I’m going to die or what’s going to happen. But in that moment of vulnerability, you know what occurred to me that had never occurred to me before in my life. In that moment, it occurred to me that bodyguards should not wear dress shoes to work. Travis This [ __ ] Travis came out slipping and slide on some kind of beautiful loafer and and and fell flat on his back. Pop. I said, “Oh my god, now both of us are down. I got to handle this [ __ ] myself.” So I popped right back and and then the kid that knocked me down, he popped out. Boom. And we look at each other and realize same time I was bigger than him. And that [ __ ] took off running. And I started to chase him and I said, “Ah, [ __ ] him.” I picked the microphone up, said, “I’m going to finish this show now.” That’s right. For 3 months before that, I’d been making fun of Chris Rock. And people would ask me all the time, they’d say, “Dave, what would you do if you were Chris Rock and Will Smith slapped you in the face?” And to this day, the answer is the same. But I don’t know what I would have done. I’ve never been in a situation that extreme. But I do know now what Will Smith would not have done, and that is enjoy the rest of his evening, man. Listen, we gave that kid a good while. We was whooping his ass. Not we. I mean, I was on stage trying to think of a joke to tell, but they was beating this [ __ ] up right behind me. Everybody could see it. Everybody can see it. And I’m sitting up there trying to think of what to say. Um um um and I’m and I’m tongue tied. Me of all people can’t think of anything to say. Look at my karma. Just that moment of all the people in the world. Chris Rock walks from backstage walks up to me in front of 20,000 people. Grabs the mic out of my hands and looks at the crowd and goes, “Was that Will Smith?” Man, [ __ ] fell out of their chairs. Like I was standing there looking stupid. I was [ __ ] furious cuz I’m thinking in my mind, “Nigga, this is my attack. You got attacked 3 months ago. Now you have jokes.” So I snatched a mic back from Chris and tried to get one off, but my [ __ ] did not go good at all. I didn’t know what to say. I was just like, “It was a trans man.” And the crowd was like, “Boo, it’s LA. We like trans people.” Boo. I know. I felt so bad. I felt so bad. But I know why I did it. You’d have to be there to understand, but but man, when that guy tackled me, it was like a It’s like a movie or something. You got to picture this. Picture a famous person you like. Every famous person you could imagine was at that show. It was like the biggest night that Hollywood had ever seen. And when that guy tackled me, he cleared the bleachers. I had to watch the tape afterwards to know this happened. But but as soon as he tackled me, Jamie Fox was the first [ __ ] that jumped out of the crowd. He was wearing a white cowboy hat. Like he knew this [ __ ] was going to happen to him. Never seen this [ __ ] in a cowboy hat before. And Jamie started chasing that [ __ ] around like any given Sunday. And and that kid was fast as [ __ ] was juking and shaking and and they broke Jamie’s ankles and he just kept running. And then John Stewart from the Daily Show ran from backstage and jumped at this [ __ ] like Super Jew. He was like, “Ah.” And the kid seen John coming. So he jumped back and John went flying that way. And this kid was fast. And then he turned around. He sees the emergency exit. He starts running for the emergency exit. Just before he got to the door, [ __ ] Puff Daddy from Bad Boy Records jumped in front of the door. That [ __ ] was like, “Hey, boy.” Puppy got that [ __ ] And then every celebrity just ran out cuz every celebrity saw themselves in me and they just started beating the [ __ ] out of that kid. And I know Chris is backstage looking like, “Nobody help me.” Everybody hates Chris. [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Look, it was way more intense than what you guys might have read. I don’t know what you read, but the kid while we was beating on him reached in his waistband pulled out 22 caliber pistol. That [ __ ] was mayhem. Everybody started screaming. Oh my god. Oh my god. He’s got a gun. He’s got a gun. And then I got scared. I was in the back, but I was scared. Cuz I knew that everybody that was with me was armed. Yes. If they had shot and killed this kid on stage at the Hollywood Bowl like I pay to do, Travis But Travis Ged up. Travis wrestled the gun out of the kid’s hand and then he took it like this and tried to chamber the round and he couldn’t. So he pulled the trigger and it wasn’t a gun. A knife blade popped out of the front. I guess this kid was going to stab me. Some scary [ __ ] So the next night, even though I didn’t have a show, I said, “I got to get right back on stage.” And I went and did the show. And someone in the audience screamed out, “Dave, what happened with the attack?” And I didn’t know there was a journalist in the room. All I said was that this [ __ ] had a knife that identified as a gun. I got six more weeks of bad press for that joke. I didn’t even do nothing to this thing. That’s not right. That was not right. [Music] And then the New York Post went to the jail and interviewed my attacker like he was some kind of hero. And I read that interview. Turns out the entire attack was my fault. Yes, I triggered him. I didn’t mean to. I had done jokes about the homeless. And turns out this young man was homeless. And I mean, there’s no way I could have known this. But I will say um for a homeless guy, this this [ __ ] had incredible seats. Oh, and they said I triggered them because because I had done LBGTQ jokes and and it turns out this fell was a bee. That was the headline of the article. that said Dave Chappelle’s alleged attacker is bisexual. I said alleged attacker. This [ __ ] definitely attacked me. I’ll show you the tape. He’s allegedly bisexual. I’m going to need to see him suck somebody’s dick before I believe the rest of this. I read that [ __ ] in the paper. I was horrified. I said bisexual. I could have [Music] No, no, no. You know what though? It’s not funny because all that madness ensued. I went to the hotel room. I I was by myself and I opened the door and my wife was in there alone. She was sobbing. Like sobbing. I said, “Oh my god, what’s wrong with you [ __ ] Did you get a tattoo? [Music] And she’s crying. She said, she said, “Oh my god, David.” She said, “If you had died tonight, me and the kids would have nothing.” [Music] Then I knew it was serious. So I sat down on the bed next to her and I reached in my pocket. I pulled some keys out that she had never seen before. She said, “What are those keys?” And I gently placed them in her hands. I said, “Sweetheart, those are the keys to my safe deposit box. God forbid anything ever happen to me, but if it does, don’t even worry about it. You and the kids have everything you need in that box. I’ve already taken care of it. And she was looking at them keys and I could see her mind realize what we were actually talking about. And then she just started crying harder. And to be honest with you, that made me cry a little bit, too. And we hugged each other real tight. [Music] Do you know this [ __ ] looked in the box while I’m alive and well? Who does that? Oh my god. And then she was mad at me. She said, “God damn it, David. I opened that box.” I said, “You did?” She said, “Yes, I did.” And there was nothing in there. I said, “Nothing.” She said, “Nothing except your stupid joke book.” I said, “Well, sweetie, look. If you tell those jokes exactly how they’re written, you and the kids should be fine. They’re really good jokes.” It’s like good jokes. What is this [ __ ] Come join me in my watery grape. No, you got to roll your throat. Join me in my war gra. The second time I met OJ Simpson was right after the trial of the century. There I was now a young man of probably 23. OJ Simpson was the most famous or infamous face on planet earth. I was in a restaurant in Beverly Hills with my agents. I wasn’t alone in the restaurant, but I was alone. I was the only black person in the restaurant. And in the ‘9s, that felt very uncomfortable. Now I tend to enjoy it at this age. I was having dinner with my Asians, celebrating a deal that they told me was lucrative, but I later learned [ __ ] sucked. And suddenly, a group of women walked by. Every race was in that group. Black, white, Asian, Latina, white, white, and white again. They were all gorgeous. I watched him walk by. Then I saw a familiar face, Al Collins, the man from the infamous Bronco chase towards the door. Couldn’t believe what I saw. And then close behind him was OJ Simpson, newly released from jail. The restaurant fell still. I was shocked. I didn’t mean to say it out loud, but it just came out. OJ. He stopped, turned around to see who said it, saw my black face, and correctly assumed it was me. [Applause] I was sitting in the corner of the booth. He leaned over all the white people I was having dinner with and shook my hand. How are you, young man? He looked in my eyes and I could see in his eyes that he didn’t remember meeting me the first time. And then he walked away. And I looked back at my agents and all of them had nothing short of disgust on their faces. And the only one with the courage to voice their disgust was a woman named Sharon who used to represent me. How could you? She said, “How could you shake hands with that murderer?” I said, “Sharon, with all due respect, that murderer ran for over 11,000 yards. Andy, love didn’t fit. Love didn’t fit. Get over yourself.” Some people can’t do that. Some people just can’t. They can’t get over themselves. Gay people have a hard time doing that recently. Here we go. Here comes the deep water. No, recently I’ve noticed that. I noticed that uh with that Manny Pacquiao controversy. Yeah. Know was now now in the gay community’s defense. Uh Manny Pacquiao said some outlandish [ __ ] about gay people. Very very not nice things that I won’t repeat. But there was biblical verses and some analogies to animals. Wasn’t a good look. Nike took his shoes immediately, which I thought was a little harsh. A little harsh. You know what I mean? Cuz he’s uh just cuz he’s Asian. You know what I mean? [ __ ] You going to take shoes off Asian dude to appease a gay dude? You know what I mean? No, you don’t know what I mean. But Asian people kind of know what I mean. No, no Asians in the front. No, no, this is what I mean. Okay, look. Okay, you’re Asian dude. No, I don’t I say this with no disrespect, but we’re all Americans, right? And we can agree that America has a huge body count all over the world, but nowhere more than Asia. Literally, if you look at history recently, we have bombed the masculinity out of an entire continent. We dropped two atomic bombs on [ __ ] Japan and they’ve been drawing Hello Kitty and [ __ ] ever since. It’s a lot of lady boys in the wake of our bombs. And I know these things cuz my wife is Asian. She’s Filipino. All right. Well, okay. So, that explains it. Now you know why you see me at all those Filipino events. I’m not there picking up [ __ ] I’m dropping some off. [Applause] I take my wife to all that [ __ ] I took my wife to see Pacquiao fight Mayweather. We sat ringside. Okay, that Yeah, that was a quiet car ride home. That’s what that was. But if you know what’s popping in the Philippines, you know that they got a whole generation of kids in the Philippines growing up without their mothers. Yes. A lot of women in the Philippines go to the Arabian Peninsula. They come to United back home, which is still one of the number one staples in the Philippines economy. Money that their expats send back to the Philippines. The men, on the other hand, are left rearing children, twiddling their thumbs, waiting on their wives checks. These men have been [ __ ] emasculated. And then suddenly a boxer rises from amongst them and reinstates their manhood with his [ __ ] fist. This is not the guy you’re supposed to ask, “What do you think of homosexuals?” He’s not your champ. [Applause] [ __ ] That’s why I don’t have a sneaker deal. Cuz if you say something that people don’t like, they’ll take your [ __ ] shoes off. Off road ahead. They’ve got the longest mental gap to bridge. That’s all I’m saying. Cuz you know, whenever I see one of them TE’s on the street, I don’t mind them, but I’ll be like, man, I miss Bruce. [Laughter] I’m sorry, guys. I’m 42. I remember Bruce Jenner before the Kardashians, before all that. This [ __ ] was a white American superhero. It was amazing. He was beating Africans at track and field. We never seen anything like it. He was on my cereal box growing up. You know how much of that cereal I ate, [ __ ] I didn’t know he was going to do that. [Applause] I knew before you guys knew. I heard things on the street in Hollywood. You know, you just be out, see people. Hey, what’s up, Kanye? Why the long face, [Applause] [ __ ] You’ll see. I got two mother-in-laws now. And when I heard he was going to do it, I was scared. I didn’t think the public was ready. I didn’t think the media was ready. And you know what? I was wrong. Never seen anything like it. Welcome to the world, Caitlyn. So long, Bruce. Hello. Somebody called me a [ __ ] in traffic last Wednesday. It’s a long It takes It takes a minute. My wife’s friend Stewart told me that. My wife has a lot of gay friends. Stewart Stewart’s the leader. She has a lot of gay friends. And I don’t like them. Not cuz they’re gay. I’m just judging them on the merits of their character. They’re just not nice dudes. They’re [ __ ] rude house guests. They’re sitting on my couch giggling with my wife eating my [ __ ] macaroons. And I come in, they act like the party’s over. Hey, what’s going on? This guy talks to me the way a cat would speak if a cat could talk. Hi, David. [Applause] Stuart, what’s all the beef, man? What’s going to have some kind of gay political argument? The last one was about a a petition in federal court to take the words husband and wife out of the law. I said, “Well, why would you want those words out the law?” He said, “Because it discriminates against same-sex couples.” I was like, “Niggas, please save me the semantics. Just trust me. Take your chips and get the [ __ ] out of the casino. You’re about to side. Talk that over amongst yourselves. And whichever one of you is gayer, that’s the wife. No, no, no. Steuart didn’t like that. Stuart educates me about this movement. You know what I mean? I didn’t even know [ __ ] about it. He told me it’s called LB GT Q. I was like, what the [ __ ] is the Q? Does that even make sense? Q. Turns out Q is like the vows. That [ __ ] is sometimes why it’s for gay dudes that don’t really know they’re gay. You know what I mean? Like prison [ __ ] are like, “Well, I’m not gay, [ __ ] I’m just sucking these dicks to pass the time. I’m not G. I’m Q. [Applause] I think I think okay again of all those letters the T has the toughest road ahead. In fact I think the T should stand for tough. If Martin Luther King had a sneaker deal we’d still be on the back of the bus. They always true the Nike exe come up. Hi Martin. Uh, we need you to tone down the talk of civil rights and uh, blacks being humans. It’s It’s upsetting our southern distributors, but I don’t understand. I thought that’s why I had a sneaker deal in the first place. Not quite. Really, it’s a walking shoe and we like the marching, but try to understand. [ __ ] that [ __ ] You know, I get it though. I understand why gay people are mad and I empathize. You know what? And I’m just telling you this is a black dude. I support your movement. But if you want to take some advice from a negro, pace yourself. These things take a while. Just because they passed the law doesn’t mean they’re going to like you. Brown versus the board of education was in 1955 when I was shocked. Is this happening? Wait a minute. Is this a time in American history when an American can make a decision for themselves and even though other Americans don’t understand it, they’ll support it and let this person live a happy life? Is this what’s happening? If it is, then good for America. That’s Dave Chappelle, the American. Although Dave Chappelle, the black American, he was a little jealous. I was like, “How the [ __ ] are transgender people beating black people in the discrimination Olympics?” If the police shot half as many transgenders as they did [ __ ] last year, it’d be a [ __ ] war in LA. I know black dudes in Brooklyn, hard street [ __ ] that wear high heels just to feel safe. [Applause] Transgenders are gangsters. I used to do business with a transgender in Hollywood, man. Everybody would be scared of her in the boardroom. She’d walk in there, newly minted woman, high heels, purse, [ __ ] Then she walked to the head of the conference table, stare at us all, reaching a person, pull her old dick out, and throw it on the table. Let’s talk business, gentlemen. [Applause] [ __ ] is scary as [ __ ] If your best friend pitched that to you, you’d be horrified. Yo, [ __ ] let’s go to the hospital and cut our dicks off and make [ __ ] out of them shits. What? Can’t we just get matching jackets or tattoos or something? [Applause] Sure, that’s what you want to do. It’s only one way to find out, [ __ ] Woo! Tank, bow, bow. Let’s go to the club and trick [ __ ] into [ __ ] us. Yeah. Well, I have some very bad news for the people in the front rows. I heard some of you paid as much as $800 for your tickets. Sadly, I did this same show a couple weeks ago in Atlanta for $60 ahead. Can you imagine, [ __ ] You could have flown to Atlanta, got a hotel, had some dinner, and came back and he still have a little money left over. [ __ ] paid way too much just to see me in this gay ass neighborhood. All right, let me roll up my sleeves and tell these [ __ ] jokes. Will told me to say there hasn’t been this many [ __ ] references in this room since Cats was here. Boy, I got to tell you, man. I’ve been doing this set all week, and boy, I’ve been telling these jokes, and sometimes [ __ ] look like they’re in actual pain over the jokes. Uh, none of it’s that bad to me, but I understand why it could have hurt some people’s feelings. So tonight, tonight I’m going to give you an opportunity that I rarely give anybody. I’m going to let you say whatever it is you need to say to my face or ask me whatever it is you want to know. But there are no dumb questions allowed. If you ask a stupid question, you’ll be asked to leave. No, I’m just kidding. Go ahead, everyone. Relax. Come on. Oh, yes, sir. In the front. Two questions. How often do you write and can I have a cigarette? All right. First, uh, you may have a cigarette. But remember, this is not jail, [ __ ] This lady right here. I have a question. Uh, do you remember this scene? Oh, I do remember that. Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. That was a terrible question. this gentleman in the front with a salmon colored shirt on. I was wondering if you had any advice for young comedians that you generally give. And are you thinking of doing comedy? Um, I’ve never done it before, but watching you has made me want to try it. [Applause] I don’t know if that’s an insult or not. It’s a It’s a compliment. It’s It’s I mean, [ __ ] going to say, “I’m I’ve never done brain surgery, but that looked a lot easier than I thought. I just I’m teasing.” All right, here be my advice. Okay, I don’t know how comedians start nowadays, right? But what I would suggest is just start. And and and once you start, you can’t really stop. No matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, no matter what people say, you know what I mean? Cuz comedy is weird like that. I You know why I hate watching other comedians do comedy? Not cuz I hate other comedians, but because I love comedy so much. It’s like watching somebody else [ __ ] your girl. And I say, I [ __ ] her better than that. Yes, you on the aisle up there. The lady with the long Yes, you standing up. I see you. of all time. My favorite book of all time, the narrative of the life of Frederick Douglas. That guy. That guy with the baseball hat. Marry. [ __ ] Kill. Michelle. Rihanna. Oprah. Wait, who’s Michelle? Oh, Obama. Well, sir, you’re putting me in quite the pickle. I can’t Can’t say I’ll [ __ ] Michelle Obama. That’s insane. Well, I guess I mean cuz I wouldn’t kill any of those women, but I’d [ __ ] all three of them. [Music] Uh the gentleman in the uh blue oxford standing up. Tell us a story with Charlie Murphy. Tell a story about Charlie Murphy. Oh, your favorite. Boy, there’s so many good Charlie Murphy’s. You know the thing with Charlie Murphy is he used to just make us laugh all the time. And I used to ask him about all the old Hollywood [ __ ] I was curious about. Like when they used to accuse Michael Jackson, remember I asked him once, I go, “Child, do you think Michael Jackson actually did those things?” And he said, “Let me ask you a question, Dave.” You say, he said, “Say it is illegal to [ __ ] women. How long are you staying out of jail? So, God bless Charlie Murphy. Wherever you are, Charlie, I love you. Who do you think is going to win the 2020 election? [Applause] All right, I’m going to put a pin in this, but I’ll tell you right now, fella. I don’t know, but I think Trump has a better shot than a lot of people would like to think. I’m just saying it all depends on how the left talks. The way we’re talking is not going to win the [ __ ] ball game. Donald Trump’s over there on the right grabbing handfuls of [ __ ] Joe Biden can’t even smell hell over here. [ __ ] this time. All right, man. Go ahead. Um, thank you so much for this show. And how old are you? 25. 25. Boy, don’t let R. Kelly see you. He going He’s going to pee on you by accident. Oh, my bad. I thought she was 15. Yuck. I’m totally joking. I’m sorry. Um, my question is, um, is there anything you’ve learned from another comedian that you feel like will stay with you for life? I tell you what, Liz, that’s a good question. Uh, yes is the short answer. A longer version of it is this. I was raised by comedians. I started doing standard when I was 14. The other day I went to a comedian’s funeral and I realized as we putting this [ __ ] in the ground that these people are at least as influential to me as my family. I rock with these [ __ ] till the wheel falls off. We fight and we fuss and we are jealous of each other and we get mad at each other. But my life wouldn’t have been what it was without each and every one of them. And they I considered them my family. That’s still hadn’t figured out exactly how to say what I wanted to say, but I was doing pretty good. And I was doing some me too jokes and a woman stood up from the audience and she was crying. Clearly was white woman. She says, she says to me, she says, “You can’t say that. It’s 200 seat room. It’s a very small room.” I’m like, “Fuck you.” Like, “Miss, are you okay with She says, “You can’t say that.” I said, “Yes, I can. It’s my show. I’ll say whatever the [ __ ] I want.” I was like, “Ooh, like this.” Um, and and then she gets up from the table and and she starts making a big like show just pushing through the aisles and all this stuff. And there’s like a curtain right before the front door. And she gets to the curtain and she’s crying. This is [ __ ] crazy. She says, “I’m sorry I was raped. It’s a [ __ ] comedy club. It’s like loud farting getting out of the elevator. Nothing funny can happen in here.” Now I’m I’m trapped in a room with this woman’s [ __ ] stink. And I say I say, “Miss, miss, it is not your fault that she were raped, but it’s not mine either. Tata, [ __ ] like this.” She storms out. Now the room is very uncomfortable, but I managed to get the crowd back, but I’m like, you know, a little traumatized. Same show. There’s a trans woman sitting in the audience. This is true story. This is like a few weeks ago. I did six shows that weekend. This trans woman came to four of them. Calls herself Daphne. Man, this chick Daphne was in there cracking the [ __ ] up at everything I said about everybody. It was amazing. She was laughing and it was fun to watch her laugh. You could tell she was letting go with something that was heavy and she’d throw her head back and she’d smile with all her teeth. She was having a great time. And the more fun she had, I felt bad cuz I knew I had some trans jokes to unload. And I thought to myself, maybe I shouldn’t say these jokes cuz I don’t want to like [ __ ] her evening up. She’s having so much fun. But then I thought to myself, well, if I can’t say it in front of her, should I say this [ __ ] at all? So, I let her rip. To my surprise, Daffany laughed harder at the trans jokes than anybody in the room. In fact, everybody in the room would look at her to make sure it was okay. And I got off stage in the dressing room. I was like, “Man, this a [ __ ] weird show.” I’m I’m sitting in the dressing room by myself just trying to figure out like what what the [ __ ] just happened out there. Right? Why is it that this one woman can’t take any of these jokes and Daphne can take all of these jokes? So weird. And then I realized, ah, Daphne used to be a man. [Applause] So now I go out of the dressing room and and like you can see like all the the staff was there like cleaning the club up. The audience had gone and sitting at the bar by herself was Daffany. And she’s like, “Hey Dave, come join me for a drink.” And I don’t want her to think that I’m transphobic or nothing. So I’m like, “Fuck, I I guess I can have at least a drink.” And we get some tequila. And we’re sitting there and and she was [ __ ] cool. Turns out that Daffany, she wants to be a comedian. She was asking me for advice and I told her advice and all that [ __ ] And then she says to me, she says, “Boy, you sure do get a bad rap for your trans jokes.” I said, “Dafany, thank you. But you don’t have to say that. I hope I didn’t offend you.” She goes, “No, no, no, no.” She said, “In fact, I read about you in the New York Times.” I said, “You did?” She said, “Yeah.” She said, “I thought it was interesting that they blamed you for R. Kelly. They said you normalized him for telling jokes about him.” I go, “Yeah, yeah, they said that.” She goes, “I wonder why they never said that you normalize transgenders by telling jokes about us.” And I never thought about that. It never occurred to me. and and we started making out and then like I I reached up just to see what it felt like. I was like, “Uh oh, what is what?” And it felt like what they did. I was just like, “Go ahead. Go ahead. Ask me a question. What the [ __ ] you going to do if Trump get reelected?” Uh, what am I going to do if Trump get reelected? Probably get a significant tax break. Hey, you want to know why I don’t even talk about Trump in my show? Because that [ __ ] is not the hokeyp poke. He is not what it’s all about. There’s millions of people that put him in power. And the ideas that he puts forth uh are not his own. He’s singing poor white people’s greatest hits. So why the [ __ ] would I worry about him and not the other millions? Really, you know who I’m going to vote for next time if things keep going the way it’s going is that gay dude. No, Mike Pence. It’s a safe place where I could tell some jokes. And I find out that this comedian I know, Chris Tucker, who’s in all those rush hour movies. I find out that Chris is in San Francisco, too. some charity event. So I call him like, “Yo, I just saw you at some charity event.” I said, “I’m doing a show at the Punch Line. Why don’t you come by the club after your event?” He’s like, “Cool, Dave. I thought you was dead, [ __ ] I’ll come by.” He said, he says, “Is it okay if I bring some friends?” Cuz you I’m with a lot of people. I go, “Man, you Chris Tucker. You can bring whatever the [ __ ] you want.” And then I show up to the club late that night. I walk into the dressing room and sitting in the dressing room is uh Gavin Newsome, who at the time was the mayor of San Francisco, but now he’s the governor of California. And sitting next to him was Kla Harris, who at the time was the DA of San Francisco. Now she’s the senator from California that’s front running on the Democratic ticket. And sitting next to her was Al Gore. It’s [ __ ] weird. And sitting next to Al Gore was the guys from Google, Sergey. And I don’t know how to say these. All right. And it was Chris Tucker and and Ben Jealis with the time was the president of the NAACP who was all just at this big charity dinner. And and and Paul Moody was drinking scotch. And we all was just in there and you know first I was a little uncomfortable. We start talking and and we all got along really well. At some point uh Kla Harris says she says to me she goes you know a friend of mine is announcing his candidacy for president tomorrow. I went to college with him. I’m like what? I go Barack Obama? She goes you’ve heard of him? I’m like yo I just read about this dude. And she goes, “Yo, yeah, blah blah blah. We talking.” She goes, “You know what?” She says, “Let’s let’s call him on the phone.” I said, “What the fuck?” And she picks her phone up and she dials and she’s listening like this and she goes, “Uh, this is voicemail.” And she gives me the phone. She goes, “Leave my message.” You know, I didn’t know what to say. I just said what you say to any black dude that’s running for president. You know, stay low, run his exact pattern, this kind of [ __ ] [Applause] and then the last thing I say is you know what I I said sir I really do believe you can do this like man I’m wishing you luck now next day I wake up and go for coffee at a place called the Embaradero it’s like a ery by the sea in San Francisco and I’m walking to the coffee shop and there’s a police line and I can’t cross the tape. But then I figure, ah, [ __ ] it. I’m Dave Chappelle. So I go in the thing like this and the police yoke me. This [ __ ] like tackle me immediately and I see over the police’s shoulder Gavin Newsome. I couldn’t remember his name, but I remember last the night before I kept teasing him and saying he looked like Christian Bale, the guy from the Batman movies. Uh, so I see him and I can’t remember the name. I’m just like, “Batman, help.” [Applause] And he stops. He’s like, “Dave.” And and and then the police see that the mayor knows me. So they’re all like, “Oh, sorry about that.” And and he’s like, “Hey, back up everybody.” And he just picks me up. He’s like, “I’m really sorry about that.” I’m like, “Ah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” And he’s like he’s like, “Listen, I’m here with with Prince. Would you like to meet him?” I’m like, “I know Prince. That’s my nigga.” And we go around the corner and it was Prince Charles, the Prince of England. I didn’t know the protocol of meeting royalty and not supposed to touch him. I dapped him up like a [ __ ] My [ __ ] hugging them and [ __ ] like this, dapping them up like this. And that [ __ ] was cool, too. I It’s really [ __ ] weird. And then I was just out there in the upside down uh not having no TV show trying to figure life out. And the election was going on in the background and this guy Barack Obama was picking up steam. This [ __ ] was killing it. And I had a chance to go to the last debate on the Democratic ticket and I went. It’s me and Chris Tucker sitting in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It’s the last three candidates. It was Barack Obama, John Edwards, and Hillary Clinton. Now Obama’s a lot taller than Edwards and Clinton and he at the center podium and at one point they’re all on stage and they start fussing and Obama goes look none of us are perfect like this and his hands was like this and there was a light shining behind his head and the other two candidates was looking up at the [ __ ] and I was sitting in the audience like this [ __ ] looks like Jesus [Applause] and I realized in that moment that I was looking at the next president of the United States. I was certain of it. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew what I was seeing and I got really excited and I’m not that kind of guy. I said, “I got to meet this motherfucker.” So, I I stayed. They were all on stage doing interviews and I just waited. I was waiting and waiting and then uh John Edwards was done with his interviews first cuz everybody knew he wasn’t going to win. Uh, and I see John Edwards and I said, “Hey, hey, Senator Edwards, I just want to say hi.” And that [ __ ] looked at me like, “M, [ __ ] you, [ __ ] You going to lose anyway.” And then he left. And then Hillary Clinton just walked by me in one of them Steve Harvey suits, [Applause] but Obama was taking forever. Everybody wanted to talk to him. And I knew the media saw exactly what I saw. There was no question about it. That was the guy. I waited and I waited and finally must have been over an hour and a half. He finishes his last interview. He’s like, “Well, thank you very much. Good talk to you.” And he turns around and he we make eye contact. He sees me. And when he sees me, he looks over. He goes, “Dave Chappelle.” And and Obama did me the same way I did Prince Charles. He dabbed me on the gun and he like, “Bro, hugged me and he pulled me in and I’ll never forget this.” He said in my ear, “I got your message. Thank you very much. New York smoking ritual. We need to celebrate, [ __ ] I thought you were dead.” And he set it up. It was beautiful. It was just like our dream. Was all sitting around. Them Indians was beating the drum. Some other Indians came out the back with a long blanket that was folded in half and put in in front of us. Open that [ __ ] up and on the blanket was a long wooden pipe with feathers and bags of weed were all over the blanket. Chief walked over The big ones are 50. The little ones are 25. And these are 10. Me and those Indians got high as [ __ ] I was B. I told the chief he was talking. I cut him off. Time out, Chief. Sorry to interrupt. [ __ ] smashed, man. The weed is too strong. I’m itching. Is this PCP? The spirits have got me. Chief, the spirits have got me. And the chief threw some water in my face. Calm down, black face. Splash. I said, “Hey, it’s black feet, [ __ ] Take it easy.” Black feet, you’re welcome to stay amongst me and my tribe for the night until the spirits leave you. And they gave me my own teepee to sleep in, which sounds nice. I personally felt like it was a little [ __ ] up, you know, cuz they all had houses, man. It’s like, why can’t I sleep with y’all in the house and watch TV, [ __ ] I can’t be on this grass all night. Yeah, Indians is rude, man. Everybody’s rude. Indians, they eat nasty food. All they ate was corn and [ __ ] Doritos, I think they call them. That’s right. People only see the surface. They see the division in our foods. It’s cuz I eat chicken and watermelon. They think that that’s something wrong with me. Let me tell you something. If you don’t like chicken or watermelon, something is wrong with you, [ __ ] There’s something wrong with you. Where are all these people that don’t like chicken and watermelon? I’m sick of hearing about how bad it is. This is great. I’m waiting for chicken to approach me to do a commercial. [ __ ] I will I’ll do it for free, chicken. It’s the least I can do. They make fun of Latin people for eating uh what y’all eat? Beans, rice, corn. Listen, that’s not a reason to hate a [ __ ] All right, it’s funny, but it’s not a reason to hate. The only reason these things are even an issue is because nobody knows what white people eat. You’ve been very good at keeping that [ __ ] a secret amongst the sales. I study white people. You don’t know that. I’m writing a paper on you. Not even for school, [ __ ] Just to do it. Just to get doing independent research. I’m spending my money. That’s why I’m working so hard. I follow you around grocery stores. They freak out. I just try to peek in the cart. They always see me. Get away from my card, [ __ ] What are you looking at? Chicken and giblets are over there. You must be lost. These are vegetables. I know what you drink. See how quiet it got? Grape juice. Surprise, [ __ ] You didn’t know I knew about grape juice, did you? Oh, don’t play dumb with me. I’m looking. A lot of black people don’t have the privilege of knowing about grape juice because they have grape drink. It’s not the same formula that you get. Ain’t no vitamins in that [ __ ] You might have one of your black friends over, Todd. Todd, would you care for a glass of grape juice? What? [ __ ] what the [ __ ] is juice? I want some grape drink, baby. M. It’s purple. I don’t think I know what a grape drink is. What? I have some apple juice if you want. What the [ __ ] is juice? I want some apple drink. Scream. Remember that commercial for Sunday Delight when all the kids run in from outside playing? They all run to the fridge. All right, I got some purple stuff, some Sunny D. Soon as they say Sunny D, all the kids go, “Yeah.” Watch the black kid in the back. If you ever see that commercial again, look at that black kid. He’d be like, “I want that purple stuff.” I That’s drink, [ __ ] That is drink. They want They want drink. I want all them vitamins, [ __ ] Italian drink. Sugar, water, purple. That’s the ingredient. Sugar, water, and of course, purple. [Applause] It’s too [ __ ] much. I got a lot of things to talk about tonight. First of all, I’ve stopped smoking weed with black people. You didn’t let me finish, [ __ ] God damn. I’m sorry, black people to to break the news so publicly, but I can’t smoke with you anymore. Every time I smoke weed with my black friends, all you talk about is your trials and tribulations. I’m sick of that [ __ ] I got my own problems. That’s a waste of weed. I’m smoking weed to run away from my problems, not take on yours. From now on, I smoke weed exclusively with white people. Calm down, [ __ ] You win by default. You got good weed conversation. All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high. I can listen to that [ __ ] all night. Dude, remember at Franks last week? It’s [ __ ] smashed, man. And catalogs everything they drink. Two shots of Jagger Tequila. Four bong hits, man. Beer, cheeseburger. That [ __ ] is great. Only bad part is you cannot pass out around white people. Every time white dudes pass out around each other, they always do some borderline gay [ __ ] when the guys are asleep. Frank fell asleep, so he like stuck a carrot in his ass and put shaving cream on his balls. Like, why [ __ ] Why would you do that to a friend of yours? He trusted you enough to sleep around you, you going to put a carrot in his ass? Is that Is that nice? I tell you right now, if I put a carrot in a black dude’s a [ __ ] will kill you when he wakes up for some [ __ ] like that. That is an automatic death sentence on the street. It’s a rat for you. I’m going to kill that [ __ ] [Applause] I thought y’all was friends, baby. What happened? I I I fell asleep at this house, right? We was drinking and I fell asleep at this house and and while I was sleeping, right, I’m just going to kill that [ __ ] All right, that’s all you need to know. [ __ ] carrots. But everybody’s getting along. I see that [ __ ] I see it all around. Blacks and whites don’t fight so much. You know who don’t have no beef with anybody is Asian people. I see how y’all be doing. Y’all just lay in the cut. Only Only time only people Asian people beef with is other Asian people. Like if you call a Korean guy Chinese, I’ve done this. They’ll flip out. Hey, what make you think I’m Chinese? I am Korean. I look Chinese. Yes, [ __ ] You do look Chinese. That’s why I said it. It’s an accident, [ __ ] To the untrained eye, you all look Chinese to me. It’s a mistake. I’m not trying to offend you. Some people say all black people look alike. We don’t get bent out of shape. We normally just call those people police, okay? Just learn to live with it. That’s all I can tell you. Everybody’s afraid of police now. Scared to death of these police. I am, [ __ ] I I got a police scanner. First first money I got. This the first [ __ ] I went out bought me a police scan. I just listen to these [ __ ] before I go out just to make sure everything’s cool. You hear [ __ ] on it. Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the lookout for a black male between 47 and 68. Staying in the crib tonight. [ __ ] that. Got to work on that alibi for a minute. Every black person needs an alibi. I I do them impromptu joints. If I’m by myself and need out, I’ll just open up the windows in the apartment, turn on all the lights on, start beating off right in the window. Look at me. Hey everybody, look up. It’s me, Dave Chappelle. I’m crazy. I’m jerking off. Note the time, [ __ ] It’s 2:35. Look at me. I’m jerking off in the window. 2:35. Comedian Dave Chappelle is June 10th. Note the time. That [ __ ] could save my life. Officer David Chappelle couldn’t have done that. And I saw him in his window masturbating from 2:35 to 2:37. I’m certain of it. He was standing on a clock and holding a calendar and today’s paper. [ __ ] I need an alibi. I can’t be no celebrity. This [ __ ] is just the worst. I’m seeing it. I can see why I see why stars are crazy now. These [ __ ] I went to Disney World with my kids, which is a big deal for me. I don’t get to see my kids so much. I do Chappelle show 20 hours a day, sleep for like half an hour, raise my kids for 10, 20 minutes, and I go back to work. Now, this particular day, I got to hook up with the kids. We went to Disney World. Everybody at the park. [ __ ] everybody. Hey. Hey, Rick James, [ __ ] Hey, I’m Rick James, [ __ ] It’s like, hey, man. Hey, you mind not calling me a [ __ ] in front of my kids? Time out, [ __ ] We take a day off. Even Mickey Mouse did it. I said, “This is the most unprofessional [ __ ] I have ever seen in my life.” Rick James, [ __ ] Oh, I was fed up. I caught that [ __ ] with the uppercut. Pop. Knocked his head clean off. Everybody was screaming. Oh my god. Oh my god, Mickey Mouse is Mexican. [Applause] I had a terrible time in Disney World. Disney World is like a whole another country anyway. They got their own currency. That [ __ ] is ridiculous. soon as I check in the hotels. Welcome to Disney World, Mr. Chappelle. Can we interest you in some Disney dollars? Nah, man. I’m cool. Can’t buy weed and [ __ ] with Disney dollars, [ __ ] I’m on vacation. I like them green backs. I like them green back. You know what I’m saying? The kind of money people spend. People is very particular about that. I saw that. That was one of the main stories from the war was the first big thing we did was they said, “Now that Iraq has been liberated, we have managed to take Saddam Hussein’s face off of the money.” And I’m not going to lie, when that press conference came off, I was like choked up. I was I was actually proud to be an American because that is a very subtle psychological nuance of oppression to have a dictator on your money. And it’s thoughtful to be able to take that [ __ ] off for the goodwill of another person, right? But then I thought, well, if you could do that for Iraq, what about our money, man? Our money look like baseball cards with slave owners on. George Washington is the worst of the worst. Yes, I said it. You mythologized this [ __ ] like he was the greatest dude. Man, if I went back in time with a white person and we saw George Washington walking in front of our time machine, my white friend would probably be like, “Oh my god, Dave, look. There’s George Washington. as the father of this great nation. I’m going to go shake his hand. I’d be on the other side like, “Run, nigga.” George Washington and we’d both be right. You like him because he wrote the Declaration of Independence and all that [ __ ] We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men are created equal. Go get me a sandwich, [ __ ] I’ll kill you. Liberty, justice for all. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Wait a minute. Did he not own slaves? Didn’t he own slaves? That’s my That’s all I’m saying. I almost protested the war in the beginning. Almost. Until I saw what happened to them Dixie chicks. I said, “Fuck that. If they’ll do that to three white women, they will tear my black ass to pieces. I don’t want to hear that shit.” Yeah, man. They would. But I’m like, for real, why why you care so much what the Dixie Chicks say? They not like they political scientists or nothing. They just [ __ ] that can sing good. You know what I mean? Stop worshiping celebrities so much. Just don’t listen. Don’t pay attention. People listen to me. I’ll say anything, [ __ ] I’ve done commercials for Coke and Pepsi. I don’t give a [ __ ] what comes out of my mouth. I just say what it takes. Whatever it takes. That’s what I’m saying. If you want to know the truth, can’t even taste the difference. Surprise. All I know is Pepsi paid me most recently. So, tastes better. It’s pretty much how the game goes. I’m just being real, man. It’s too much gooing over celebrities. People don’t know what’s fake and what’s real anymore. That’s why Bill Cosby got in trouble. Look what happened to Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby says some real [ __ ] and the whole world freaked out on for what? For having an opinion. Just because he was selling pudding pots for the last 40 years, people forget that he’s a [ __ ] from Philly in the projects and he might say some real [ __ ] from time to time. It’s not that big of a deal. I spoke at my old high school and I told them kids straight up, if you guys are serious about making it out of this ghetto, you got to focus. You got to stop blaming white people for your problems. And you’ve you’ve got to learn how to rap or play basketball or something. [ __ ] you’re trapped. You are trapped. Either do that or sell crap. That’s your only options. That’s the only way I’ve ever seen it work. You better get to entertaining these white people. [ __ ] get to dancing. Go on out there and be somebody. I just hope they listen. This [ __ ] is ridiculous. People worship television. They worship this [ __ ] You know, like if you watch a movie, right? Say you watching a movie and one character says to another character say, “Hey, uh, what’s your number, man?” What’s the other character always say? 555 555. You know why we got to do that? Because stupid ass people go to the movies and then go home and try to call the characters that they just saw. Hello. Is Indiana Jones here? No, [ __ ] He’s fake. It’s not his number. And to be honest, this the worst time in history to be a black celebrity. [ __ ] They locking all our stars up. It’s hot right now for black celebrities. I knew it was bad when Kobe got in trouble. I said, “This is a rap for us. He’s one of the most wholesome dudes we had. Lock them up and everything.” And Kobe kept it together. Thank God he he held his game together because if he was cracking under pressure and getting like six points a game, the whole LA would have been like, “That [ __ ] is guilty.” Kobe was playing his ass off. He was playing like his freedom depended on that [ __ ] You see this [ __ ] them games? This [ __ ] was trying to beat that case on the court. Like the judge th the ball like play for your freedom. [Applause] If I could talk to Kobe, I’d be like, “Just relax. You’ll be fine, man.” Cuz the public is still giving Kobe the benefit of the doubt. He’s one of the few black celebrities that get that. Not because he’s a celebrity, more because, you know, the girl showed up with eight different seammens to the investigation. You can’t do that. That’s seven too many. That’s a lot of seammen, man. This [ __ ] got Noah’s arc in her panties. What she trying to recreate humanity or something? She’s a collector. She got every unsolved mystery. The answer might be in this girl’s paint. That’s the first place I look. OJ’s other gloves in there. Bigfoot’s footprint. Three CSI reruns is in that [ __ ] We got the most diabolical draws ever. [ __ ] being a celebrity. This is not the time to be a black star. They locking all our stars up. Black celebrities is a witch hunt for us, man. God damn it. It’s all OJ’s fault. Ever since OJ got away, white people have just been locking up our stars. one by one. It’s true. And it’s all It’s not even OJ’s fault. It’s our fault. We celebrated too openly when OJ got acquitted. We should have been quiet about that [ __ ] Soon as not guilty [ __ ] oh in your face, [ __ ] In your face. Hurts, don’t it? It hurts. Burns, doesn’t it, [ __ ] Oh, that justice system burns, doesn’t it? Welcome to my world, [ __ ] All that [ __ ] White people wanted OJ’s ass bad. City of LA spent over $12 million just trying that [ __ ] And the look on white people’s face when he was acquitted, priceless. Priceless. And that’s why I don’t trip off of being a celebrity. I don’t like it. I don’t trust it. There’s one minute they all love you and the next thing you know you’re in front of that courthouse dancing on top of a car just trying to figure out what the [ __ ] happened to you. [Applause] That’s what I’m waiting for cuz the timing of this Michael Jackson [ __ ] is what makes me doubt it. Every time there’s wars going out of control or the economy gets bad or something is wrong with the world at large, it’s always these moments in history that Michael Jackson will coincidentally jerk off a kid. This is getting ridiculous. Like, are you planning this [ __ ] Do you have meetings? Michael, thank you for coming. As you know, Michael, the war has not been going as well as we expected. There’s been a lot of hiccups and the public is asking us a lot of questions, of course. And well, Michael, there’s no nice way to say this. And all I know how to do is be direct. So, let me just be direct. We’re going to need you to jerk off another child. Mike, I’m sorry. I am sorry. But it would really help out. Or maybe he didn’t. Who knows? Who knows? That’s the thing. That’s what I wanted to say. Who knows? Who the [ __ ] knows? Mike, God, and this little boy know. That’s That’s about it. It’s about it. Only reason that I can even talk about this [ __ ] is because everybody is speculating. They all think he did it. And I don’t think he did it. I’m alone in this. I don’t think he did it. I’m not going to say I don’t think he did it. That’s too strong. [Music] Let me just say I am reserving judgment. until all the facts come out. But so far from what I heard, I mean, the kid said he was dying of cancer. He was in Make a Wish Foundation. He claims he had two weeks to live. And it was his dying wish to meet Michael Jackson. Come on, man. Give me a [ __ ] break. This kid is 10 years old. He don’t remember Thriller. The [ __ ] you want to meet Michael Jackson for? Honestly, I remember Thriller and I just like kind of want to meet this [ __ ] Like I wouldn’t break an appointment to meet him. I’ll put it that way. I’d have to already be free. That’s ridiculous.
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