Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed. I don’t complain about. Politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses, and American universities. And they’re elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do, folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces. Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, if you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. And term limits ain’t going to do you any good. You’re just going to wind up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So maybe, maybe maybe it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here. Like the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody. The public sucks. [ __ ] hope. [ __ ] hope. Because if it’s really just the fault of these politicians, then where are all the other bright people of conscience? Where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans ready to step in and save the nation and lead the way? We don’t have people like that in this country. Everybody’s at the mall scratching his ass, picking his nose, taking his credit card out of his fanny pack, and buying a pair of sneakers with lights in them. So, I have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way. On election day, I stay home. I don’t vote. [ __ ] them. [ __ ] them. I don’t vote. Two reasons. Two reasons I don’t vote. First of all, it’s meaningless. This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago. The [ __ ] they shuffle around every four years. Doesn’t mean a [ __ ] thing. And secondly, I don’t vote cuz I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around. I know. They say they say, “Well, if you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.” But where’s the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people and they get into office and screw everything up, well, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem. You voted them in. You have no right to complain. I on the other hand, who did not vote, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain as loud as I want about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with. So, I know that a little later on this year, you’re going to have another one of those really swelled presidential elections that you like so much. You’ll enjoy yourselves. It’ll be a lot of fun. I’m sure as soon as the election is over, your country will improve immediately. As for me, I’ll be home on that day doing essentially the same thing as you. The only difference is when I get finished masturbating, I’m going to have a little something to show for it, folks. Thank you very much. Thank you. Kids have to be warned that there’s [ __ ] coming down the road. That’s the biggest thing you can do for a kid. Tell them what life in this country is about. It’s about a whole lot of [ __ ] that needs to be detected and avoided. That’s the best thing you could do. No one told me. No one told me a thing like that. I was never warned about any of this. I had to find all of it out for myself. And there are still, as with you probably, a lot of things that you’re expected to believe and accept in America that uh I personally have a problem with. And I question a lot of these things. Give you an example. I saw a slogan on the guy’s car. It said, “Proud to be an American.” And I thought, well, what the [ __ ] does that mean? Proud to be an American. You see, I’ve never understood national pride. I’ve never understood ethnic pride because uh I’m Irish and I’m all four of my grandparents were born in Ireland, so I’m fully Irish. And when I was a kid, I would go to the St. Patrick’s Day parade. And I noticed that they sold a button that said proud to be Irish. And I can never understand that because I knew that on Columbus Day, they sold a different button that said proud to be Italian. Then came black pride and Puerto Rican pride. And I could never understand ethnic or national pride because to me pride should be reserved for something you achieve or attain on your own not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish Being Irish isn’t a skill. It’s a [ __ ] genetic accident. You wouldn’t say I’m proud to be 5’11. I’m proud to have a predisposition for colon cancer. So why the [ __ ] would you be proud to be Irish or proud to be Italian or American or anything? Hey, if you’re happy with it, that’s fine. Do that. Put that on your car. Happy to be an American. Be happy. Don’t be proud. Too much pride as it is. Pride goeth before a fall. Never forget proverbs. Okay. Now, here’s another slogan. Here’s another slogan you run into all the time. God bless America. Once again, respectfully, I say to myself, “What the [ __ ] does that mean? God bless America. Is that a request? Is that a demand? Is that a suggestion?” Politicians say it at the end of every speech as if it was some sort of verbal tick that they can’t get rid of. God bless you and God bless America. God bless you and God bless America. I guess they figure if they leave it out, someone’s going to think they’re bad Americans. Let me tell you a little secret about God, folks. God does not give a flying [ __ ] about America. Okay? He doesn’t care. He never cared about this country. He He never has. He never will. He doesn’t care about this country any more than he cares about Mongolia, Transylvania, Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal, or the North Pole. He simply doesn’t care. Okay? He doesn’t care. Listen, there are 200 countries in the world now. Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites? Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries? Because we have the most money. Because he likes our national anthem. Maybe it’s because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of classic riceerone. It’s delusional thinking. It’s delusional thinking. And Americans are not alone with these sort of delusions. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody’s going to be disappointed. Somebody’s wasting their [ __ ] time. Could it be everyone now? If people want to say God bless America, that’s their business. I don’t care. But here’s what I don’t understand. If they say, “God bless America,” presumably they believe in God. And if they do, they must have heard God loved everyone. That’s what he said. He loved everyone and he loved him equally. So why would these people ask God to do something that went against his own teachings? You know what these God Bless America people ought to do? They ought to check what that Jesus fell they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about what would Jesus do? What would Jesus do? They don’t want to know so they can do it. They just want to know so they could tell other people to do it. Well, I’ll tell you what Jesus would have done. I’ll tell you what Jesus would have done. He would have got up on the top of the Empire State Building and said, “God bless everyone around the world forever and ever till the end of time.” That’s what Jesus would have done. And that’s what these people should do. Or else they should admit that God bless America is really just some sort of an empty slogan with no real meaning except for something vague like good luck. Good luck America. You’re on your own. Which is a little bit closer to the truth. Hey, I’m the first one to say it’s a great country, but it’s a strange culture. We got a strange culture. This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia. Got to be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills 400,000 people a year. So, they ban artificial sweeteners because a rat died. You know what I mean? This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs. And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re going to keep the [ __ ] real ones. This is a place where alcohol ruins more lives than cancer. And everybody gets upset when some athlete gets hooked on cocaine. You know, Time magazine and Newsweek, they put cocaine on the cover, but they put the liquor advertisements inside the magazine. It’s the old American double standard. you know, say one thing, do something different. And of course, the country is founded on the double standard. That’s our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free. So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto You know what the motto of this country ought to be? You give us a color, we’ll wipe it out. We got it. So anyway, about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, 80 years later, the slaves are freed. Not so you’d really notice it, of course, just sort of on paper. And that was, of course, during the Civil War. Now, there’s another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one. Civil War. Do you think any country could really have a civil war? Say, pardon me. I’m awfully sorry. I’m awfully sorry. So now, of course, the Civil War has been over for about 120 years, but not so you’d really notice it, cuz we still have these people called Civil War buffs. people who thought it was a really keen war and they study the battles carefully and they try to improve on the strategies and the tactics to increase the body count in case we have to go through it again sometime. In fact, some of these people actually get dressed up in uniform once a year and go out and refight these battles. You know what I say? Use live ammunition [ __ ] Would you please? You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool. But what do you expect? Hey, come on. This is a warlike country. We come from that northern European basically the northern European jeans. The blue eyes. Those blue eyes. Boy, everybody in the world learned real quick, didn’t they? When those blue eyes sail out of the north, you better nail everything down, [ __ ] Nail it down. Strap it down or they’ll grab it. If they can’t take it home, they’ll burn it. If they can’t burn it, they’ll [ __ ] it. That’s what happened to us. And it’s a warlike country. Come on. I mean, forget foreign policy. Even the domestic rhetoric is warlike. Everything about our domestic policy invokes the thought of war. We don’t like something in this country, we declare war on it. The war on poverty, the war on drugs, the war on crime, the war on AIDS, the war on cancer. We got the only national anthem that mentions [ __ ] rockets and bombs in the goddamn thing. You know what I mean? All right, cuz I got to tell you the truth, folks. I got to tell you the truth. When it comes to [ __ ] big time major league [ __ ] you have to stand in awe. In awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest [ __ ] story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money. He always needs money. He’s all powerful, all perfect, all knowing, and all wise. Somehow just can’t handle money. Religion takes in billions of dollars. They pay no taxes and they always need a little more. Now you talk about a good [ __ ] story. Holy [ __ ] Thank you. But thank you. Thank you very much. But I want you to know I want you to know something. This is sincere. I want you to know when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that. But I got to tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize something is [ __ ] up. Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the ice capes. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of [ __ ] you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say this guy because I firmly believe looking at these results that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever [ __ ] things up like this. So, so, if if if there is a God, if there is, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a [ __ ] doesn’t give a [ __ ] which I admire in a person and which would explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot mindlessly and and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn’t give a [ __ ] I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight, I became a sun worshipper. Well, not overnight. You can’t see the sun at night. First thing the next morning, I became a sun worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun. Okay. Yeah. Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I’m big on that. If I can see something, I don’t know. Kind of helps the credibility along, you know. So every day I can see the sun as it gives me everything I need. Heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, and occasional skin cancer. But hey, at least there are no crucifixions, and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry. No one asks for money. There are no songs to learn. And we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I’m unworthy. Doesn’t tell me I’m a bad person who needs to be saved. Hadn’t said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So I worship the son. But I don’t pray to the son. Know why? I wouldn’t presume on our friendship. It’s not polite. I’ve often thought people treat God rather rudely, don’t you? Asking, you know, trillions and trillions of prayers every day, asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, give me that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday, his day off. It’s not nice. And it’s no way to treat a friend. But people do pray and they pray for a lot of different things. You know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch. your your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you’d really like to [ __ ] that hot little red head down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eye patch and the club foot, huh? Can you pray for that? I think you’d have to. And I say, “Fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But what about the divine plan?” Remember that the divine plan? Long time ago, God made a divine plan. gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice, and for billions and billions of years, the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn’t in God’s divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan, just for you? Doesn’t it seem a little arrogant? It’s a divine plan. What’s the use of being God if every rundown schmuck with a $2 prayer book can come along and [ __ ] up your plan? And here’s something else. Another problem you might have. Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? Well, it’s God’s will. Thy will be done. Fine. But if it’s God’s will and he’s going to do what he wants to anyway, why the [ __ ] bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to his will? It’s all very confusing. So, to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the son. But as I said, I don’t pray to the son. You know who I pray to? Joe Peshy. Joe Peshy. Joe Peshy. Two reasons. First of all, I think he’s a good actor. Okay, to me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Peshy doesn’t [ __ ] around. Doesn’t [ __ ] around. In fact, in fact, Joe Peshy came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years, I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Peshy straighten that [ __ ] out with one visit. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. So, I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Peshy are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t. Same as God, 50/50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit’s foot. Same as the mojo man. Same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles. It’s all the same 5050. So just pick your superstition. sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself. And for those of you who look to the Bible for moral uh lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. Uh you might want to look at The Three Little Pigs. That’s a good one. Has a nice happy ending. I’m sure you’ll like that. Then there’s Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother, which I didn’t care for, by the way. And finally, I’ve often always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again. That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty. And there is no God. None. Not one. No God. Never was. In fact, I’m going to I’m going to put it this way. If there is a God, if there is a God, may he strike this audience dead. See, nothing happened. Nothing happened. Everybody’s okay. All right. Tell you what. Tell you what, I’ll raise the stakes. I’ll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See, nothing happened. Wait. Got a little cramp in my leg and my balls hurt. Plus, I’m blind. I’m blind. Oh, now I’m okay again. Must have been Joe Peshy, huh? God bless Joe Peshy. Thank you all very much. Joe bless you. Thank you very much. I appreciate. Seems to me like we’re a couple of weeks overdue to drop high explosives on helpless civilians. People who have no argument with us whatsoever. I think we ought to be out there doing what we do best. Gang, making big holes in other people’s countries. I hate to be repetitious, but God, we are a warlike lot. You know, we can’t stand not to be [ __ ] with somebody. We couldn’t wait for that cold war to be over, could we? Just couldn’t wait for that cold war to be over so we could go and play with our toys in the sand. Go play with our toys in the sand. And when we’re not invading some sovereign nation or setting it on fire from the air, which is more fun, then we’re usually declaring war on something here at home. Do you ever notice that? We love to do that, don’t we? We’d love to declare war on things here in America. Anything we don’t like about ourselves, we have to declare war on it. don’t do anything about it. We just declare war on it. We got a war. It’s the only It’s the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving a problem. It’s called declaring a war. We got a war on poverty, the war on crime, war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But you ever notice there’s no war on homelessness, is there? Nah. No war on homelessness. You know why? There’s no money in that problem. There’s no money in that problem. Nobody stands. It’s true. Nobody stands to get rich off of that problem. You could find a solution to homelessness where the corporate swine and the politicians could steal a couple of million dollars each. You’d see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty goddamn quick. I’ll guarantee you that. I will guarantee you that. Now, so I got an idea for homeless. You know what they ought to do? You know what they ought to do? Give the homeless their own magazine. Give them their own magazine. It would make them feel better for one thing. That’s a sure sign of making it in this country. Every group in this country that makes it and arrives at a certain level has its own magazine. You have Working Mother Magazine, Black Entrepreneur Magazine, Hispanic Business Magazine. In fact, any activity, any activity engaged in by more than four people in this country has got a [ __ ] magazine devoted to it. Skydiving, mountain climbing, snowmmoiling, backpacking, bungee jumping, duck hunting, shooting someone in the [ __ ] with a dart gun, jerking off. They probably have a magazine for that. I’m sure they have. I know they have a magazine. Walking. Walking. There’s actually a [ __ ] magazine called Walking. Look, Dan. The new Walking is out. Here’s a good article. putting one foot in front of the other. Give them their own magazine. Give them give the homeless their own magazine. You know what you call it? Better crates and cartons. Then when they get finished reading it, they can use it to line their clothing. That’s a good sound business solution. That’s kind of answer you get from a conservative American businessman. Yeah. Let them read it. When they get finished reading, they can use it to plug up the holes and them piano crates they all seem to like to live in. A good, sound, practical, conservative American business solution. I’ll tell you what they ought to do about homelessness. First thing, change the name of it. Change the name of the condition. It’s not homelessness, it’s houselessness. It’s houses these people need. A home is an abstract idea. A home is a setting. It’s a state of mind. These people need houses, physical, tangible structures. But where you going to put them? Where you going to build them? Nobody wants you to build lowcost housing near their house. People don’t want it near them. We got something in this country, you’ve heard of. It’s called Nimi. N I N B Y. Not in my backyard. People don’t want any kind of social help located anywhere near them. You try to open up a halfway house. Try to open up a rehab center for drugs or alcohol. Try to build a little home for some [ __ ] people who want to work their way into the community. People say, “Not in my backyard.” People don’t want anything near them, especially if it might help somebody else. Part of the great American spirit of generosity we’re always told about. Big generous American nation. Ask an Indian about that. Ask an Indian how generous this country is. If you can find one, you got to locate the Indian first. We’ve made them just a little difficult to find. Or if you need current data, select the black family at random and ask them how generous this country has been. People don’t want anything near them, even if it’s something they believe in, something they think society needs, like prisons. Everybody wants that, right? Everybody wants more prisons. That’s the new answer to all of our problems. Lock a lot of [ __ ] up. Everybody wants more prisons. They say, “Build more prisons.” But not here. But why not? What’s wrong? What’s the problem? What’s wrong with having a prison in your neighborhood? Would seem to me like it would make it a pretty crime-free area. Don’t you think? You think a lot of crackheads and muggers and pimps and hookers are going to be hanging around in front of a [ __ ] prison? [ __ ] They ain’t coming anywhere near it. What’s wrong with these people? All the criminals are locked up behind the walls. And if a couple of them do break out, what do you think they’re going to do? Hang around? Check real estate trends. [ __ ] They’re [ __ ] gone. That’s the whole idea of breaking out of prison is to get the [ __ ] as far away as you possibly can. Not in my backyard. People don’t want anything near them except military bases. They don’t mind that, do they? No, they like that. Give them an army base. Makes them happy. Why? Jobs. Jobs. Self-interest. Even if the base is loaded with nuclear weapons. They don’t give a [ __ ] They say, “Well, I’ll take a little radiation if I can get a job.” Working people have been [ __ ] over so long in this country. Those are the kind of decisions they’re left to make. I got just a place for lowcost housing. I have solved this problem. I know where we can build housing for the homeless. Golf courses. Perfect. Golf courses. Just what we need. Plenty of good land in nice neighborhoods. land that is currently being wasted on a meaningless, mindless activity engaged in primarily by white, wellto-do male businessmen who use the game to get together to make deals to carve this country up a little finer among themselves. I am getting tired, really tired. I am getting tired of these golfing [ __ ] in their green pants and their yellow pants and their orange pants and their precious little hats and their cute little golf carts. It is time to reclaim the golf courses from the wealthy and turn them over to the homeless. Golf is an arrogant elitist game and it takes up entirely too much [ __ ] room in this country. Too much [ __ ] room in this country. It is. It is an arrogant game on its very design alone. Just the design of the game speaks of arrogance. Think of how big a golf course is. The ball is that [ __ ] big. What do these pinheaded pricks need with all that land? There are over 17,000 golf courses in America. They average over 150 acres a piece. That’s over 3 million acres. That’s 4,820 square miles. You could build two Rhode Islands in a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently devoted to this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist racist. Racist. There’s another thing. The only blacks you’ll find in country clubs are carrying trays. And a boring game for boring people. Do you ever watch golf on television? It’s like watching flies. [ __ ] And a mindless game. Mindless. Think of the intellect. Think of the intellect it must take to draw pleasure from this activity. Hitting a ball with a crooked stick and then walking after it and then hitting it again. I say, “Pick it up, [ __ ] You’re lucky you found the [ __ ] thing. Put it in your pocket and go the [ __ ] home. Go the [ __ ] home. You’re a winner.” No. No chance of that happening. Dorko in the plaid knickers is going to hit it again and walk some more. Let these rich [ __ ] play miniature golf. Let them [ __ ] with a windmill for an hour and a half or so. See if there’s any real skill among them. Now, I know there are some people who play golf who don’t consider themselves rich. [ __ ] them. And shame on them for engaging in an arrogant elitist pastime. Hey, here’s another place we could put some lowcost housing. Cemeteries. There’s another idea whose time has passed. Saving all the dead people in one part of town. What the hell kind of a superstitious, religious, medieval [ __ ] idea is that? Plow these [ __ ] up. Plow them into the streams and rivers of America. We need that phosphorus for farming. If we’re going to recycle, let’s get serious. Thank you. Thank you.
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Video Duration: 00:32:04
