Bill Burr comedy on Black People.

mustard and he had like a moment of
honesty they were like why can’t you
guys win the games oh you know
oh the offense isn’t getting it done you
know defense
you know they’re too slow and just run
out
tell them we gotta get some more black
guys on this team but i’m telling you
and immediately everybody’s like one
[Applause]
actually i got a couple of friends of uh
african persuasion
and uh i gotta get rid of him man i
gotta admit to you
i’m fine i’m spending too much money on
clothes hanging out with them because i
gotta like [ __ ] try to keep up with
their wardrobe
it’s like every time they go out they
got all brand new [ __ ] on
all brand new [ __ ] so when i show up
with my white version of brand new which
is uh you know i basically i ironed the
[ __ ] right i ironed it right it’s due
they just start trashing me
i can’t keep up with them man they got
like [ __ ]
58
pairs of sneakers
ever said [ __ ] like every color [ __ ]
timberland
and i don’t give a [ __ ] what [ __ ] up
color their shirt is they got a pair of
shoes to match it and a hat
[Applause]
it’s like a rule or something
they’re the worst even when you wear
some new [ __ ] there’s like some sort of
rule that you got to like space out the
amount of time with within which like
that you wear it because god forbid you
wear the same shirt within a ten day
period one of them’s gonna notice
the old son just look at you funny like
this motherfucker’s got the same [ __ ] he
had on last tuesday
and then the whole car is like oh [ __ ]
then everybody just starts making fun of
you [ __ ] close
first they do the math like what was
that five days ago five days this
[ __ ] got five shirts
we got five shirts
and they start breaking it down yo his
first shirt be saying monday next [ __ ]
be saying tuesday
during the weekend he ain’t been wearing
no shirt
i’ll tell you that’s actually funny you
know what that’s actually how i judge
black guys now
when i first came to the city like all
black people scared me
i was like the typical white dude from
like the suburbs you know what i mean
had no frame of reference you know it’s
my only frame of reference with black
people like those remember those early
90s gangster rap videos
throw the [ __ ] la riots in there man
it’s [ __ ] horrible pr
i’m watching the video so he’s got nice
car he’s got all the women and he’s
still [ __ ] mad
these black dudes are never happy
but after 10 years of living in the sea
this is how i narrow it down well the
black dude scares me now black dudes
with dirty sneakers scare the [ __ ]
[ __ ] out of me
no
i figured out my head because i know
from hanging out with them that’s the
last [ __ ] that they’re gonna let go the
immediate [ __ ] that they have on so i
think you know if his sneakers are
[ __ ] up that means his life is [ __ ]
up
every time he leaves his building the
whole neighborhood oh [ __ ]
everyone sucks making fun of him
he’s on the train in a bad mood i kind
of have this howdy duty kind of mugmy
kind of face
i’m not saying something’s going to
happen i’m just saying i’m paying
attention
so i’ve been seeing this girl recently
uh it’s blaco right she lives up in
harlem you know gone out like three four
times you know first time we hung out we
hung out like the village area in new
york you know which is sort of like a
racially mixed area
so [ __ ] was cool you know what i mean
second time you hung out was more like
midtown you know then the third time she
called me at like 3 30 in the morning
and she wanted me to come up to her
apartment right
so it’s 3 30 in the morning she lives in
harlem i look how i look so it’s a
[ __ ] situation
yeah because you know the deal right
basically a white dude feels comfortable
up to about like 98 99th street you know
what i’m saying
the second the streets start getting
into like triple digits like 100 101st
street start getting like a little
asthma like [ __ ] you’re starting to get
a little high up here
you feel that little tightness in your
chest can you feel that
106th street you’re like leaning on [ __ ]
like dude where’d all the cabs go
how come there’s no taxis up here
dude what’s a bodega
i don’t know what that is let’s get the
[ __ ] out of here
so i’m praying to god she’s gonna tell
me to take the subway get off at like
105th street 1003 you know which is like
the first stop in harlem where i can
still look over my shoulder and see like
all the white people like disappearing
over the horizon you know
but she goes no man you want to get in
the uptown 2-3 train you want to get off
at 125th street like ah [ __ ] on 25th
street
[Applause]
jesus christ that’s like right in the
middle of everything
i’m gonna be surrounded on all four
sides i can’t [ __ ] do this
so
at this point i’m really trying to hide
like the [ __ ] tone that’s starting to
creep into my voice you know
and i’m trying to ask for really
specific directions for when i get up
there because i want to know exactly
where i’m going
so she starts naming the streets i have
to go down and every other street up
there is named that’s like a black
leader you know she’s like make a left
on adam clayton take a right on
frederick douglas i’m like [ __ ] out of
plate
now dude go on the internet look about a
plate
he kill a bunch of white people during a
slave revolt
dude i going up there so i know what i’m
thinking to [ __ ] this [ __ ]
[Applause]
so at this point i’m really having a
battle with myself because i’m thinking
i can’t do this right i’m like i can’t
do this but my dick’s going now come on
man we can do this all right
just relax
pull yourself together and get on the
goddamn train right
so as always i listen to my dick
oh yeah i get on the train by the time i
get up there it’s like five or four in
the morning right i’m staying on like
malcolm x and like danny glover or some
[ __ ] right
i don’t even know where the hell i’m at
when i see the street i want to go up i
want to go up saint nick i can literally
see her apartment building but there’s
like five or six black dudes standing
right on the corner right where i want
to walk by so i’m like
[ __ ] i thought i was on like some
reality show at that point like some
sort of like white guy survivor he was
ridiculous
[Applause]
so i’m thinking i gotta walk right by
these guys right you know what’s funny i
think that they were actually more
surprised to see me then i was scared
you know and i was really really scared
you know but i’m also really really
white you know
like shockingly caucasian
you know like if you’re not ready for me
i can like surprise you
no especially if you live up there
you’ve probably seen a white person for
hours
possibly days so when i show up it’s
almost like magical like a leprechaun
came out of nowhere you know
felt like i should have like a little
pot of gold like a rainbow behind me top
of the morning too you like it
kind of dance my way past them
but it’s been going all right you know
once i get in her apartment i’m fine you
know i relax
sit down you know watch a hip-hop
countdown
pretend like i know the groups you know
what i mean
it’s just getting there that’s a [ __ ]
pain in the ass but you know i don’t get
mad at it because i figure you know
black dude’s got to go through the same
[ __ ] though right when you go into the
suburbs go [ __ ] a white girl
right
just that same awful feeling
but just leaving your people behind you
know just less and less of you as you’re
[ __ ] driving out there
probably start off lean and you’re all
[ __ ] cool
20 minutes in you’re driving like ten
and two the waves are like dude i like
this [ __ ]
i don’t like this [ __ ] at all
there’s too much grass i don’t see
this any
[ __ ] up none of the windows are tinted
i can clearly see white people in every
car this is [ __ ] up
listen you guys were awesome thank you
so much for coming out south man i had a
real weird experience last time i came
down here i was in nashville right sort
of an awkward social situation right i’m
sitting at this bar there’s this white
dude sitting like two stools away i
don’t know him he doesn’t know me and
that terrell owens story wasn’t like
sports news so i try to make
conversation like man look at this guy
this guy just signed a 40 million
contract he’s already bitching man how
much money do you need to make
and the dude looks to me he’s like you
know what i say and then he looked over
his shoulder which i now know is the
telltale sign that the n-word is coming
and it’s coming hard
oh yeah it’s not going to be pronounced
with the a it’s going to be with the r
and he hit the r he like stuck the
landing there was like a dismount clan
members high fiving in the background
like doing the wave
just out of nowhere so now immediately
i’m looking over my shoulder like what
the hell are you doing
you know what i mean i’m waiting for
like this hail of blackfist to come
raining down on top of me
i hate when people do stuff like that
that dude made me part of like a
potential ass kicking that i had nothing
to do with
you don’t do [ __ ] like that he just had
that word hot potato just threw it in my
lap
trying to pass it down to the next white
dude
i hate when people do that man you know
it’s like dude feel me out first
ask some questions
do you like to fish
have you ever [ __ ] your sister right
i start rattling off answers then you go
old school
you give me a pamphlet you tell me about
your militia
don’t just dive into it
that dude was one of the angriest people
i ever met
i should have known that word was coming
because he was just watching terrell
right anytime i would bring up look man
that guy’s talking trash he would just
like flip out he won’t shut up
those people get like so mad they’re not
even looking at you their eyes are up
you just shut up and play the game
you know what’s funny i don’t even like
terrell but now i love the guy
because every time i see him talking
trash i know this idiot in nashville
is just losing his mind like kicking
over his kitchen tv shut the [ __ ] up
i like violence man
i am not like when it happens to me or
if i see it live i like watching it on
tv you know
watching people you know
get attacked by animals
just get blasted in the face of
something you know
like i’m a huge sports fan you’re my
favorite like moment of like the last
year was in sports that detroit piston
indiana pacer bench clearing brawl
wasn’t that great
[Applause]
that was one of the greatest things i’ve
ever seen i was so confused when i
watched espn that day they were like
that was absolutely disgraceful
basketball fans yeah it just must be
i said that look i’m a basketball fan i
loved it
i thoroughly enjoyed watching out of
shape civilians get the [ __ ] kicked out
of them by professional athletes
it was fascinating
and i think as sports fans we kind of
had it coming right because how many
times you gone to a game right you got a
little too drunk you started screaming
at some dude in the field who could
clearly kick the [ __ ] out of you right
if you saw him in the parking lot you’d
be like hey can you sign my stamp
collection i think you’re awesome
you get in the game you’re all drunk
you’re like you suck buddy you’re a
piece of [ __ ]
and they’re always calling them up come
on up here
oh come on up here
well they came up there
they didn’t they kicked the [ __ ] out of
everybody it was great
it was like a cartoon
you’re like beating up whole rows of
people at once like
i loved every second
i love how ron our test punched the
wrong guy wasn’t that great
he taught that dude a valuable lesson in
life
when [ __ ] goes down you don’t just stand
there like you’re watching a movie like
wow
it’s coming right at me
must be in 3d or something
that was a 5 foot 6 inch 110 pound white
dude had an angry 6 foot 10 inch black
dude running right at him that had to
have been in his top three nightmares
all time
right behind getting his dick cut off
and being lit on fire
and he just stood there
he’s like trying to explain himself well
i still have the liquid in my cup so
there’s there’s no way i could
i’m an idiot
people in the stands i mean that’s just
like what’s entertaining for me now you
know i like that jimmy the greek moment
that happens in sports you know like
once every four or five years you know
that like some 50 55 year old white dude
tries to explain why black people are
kicking the [ __ ] out of white people in
practically every major sport you know
and it always goes down the same way
right there’s always like three white
dudes and the one white dude in the
middle he’s always like the guy with
like the theory you know he’s always so
you know it seems these uh these
african-american athletes they are they
seem to have this uh this quick twitch
uh muscle five you know there’s a slow
twitch and there’s uh this quick twitch
and the second the dude says that like
the other two white dudes start like
sliding out of frame like okay this
guy’s getting fired and i’m not going to
be part of this highlight nice knowing
your neck keep that seat warm right
and the dude in the middle he’s just
like hell bent on getting fired you know
he starts like bringing up slavery and
evidently they’re breeding the strongest
man with the strongest woman in that
quick twitch
and literally 20 minutes later that
dude’s on tv is like fired right he’s
crying his family’s standing there he’s
got like a box of [ __ ] from his desk
with like an emmy sticking out he’s like
i don’t know what i said i was just
talking about the quick twitch and the
slow twitch it was wasn’t just trying to
make a point
no i love that i love seeing people mess
up their careers like that
it’s just funny to me plus i gotta admit
as a white dude on some level i have to
believe in that theory because it’s like
a white dude’s that bad at basketball
i can’t even watch the nba anymore man
it’s like every highlight the white
dude’s like that the black cube does
like his nuts in his face [ __ ] wow
i’m just sitting at home like for the
love of god tackle the guy
jesus christ get out of the way
do you ever get tired of those two nuts
flying over your head
you know you’re gonna be on sportscenter
just get out of the way
dude i’m telling you there’s got to be
something to that theory i saw this show
one time on runaway slaves it’s one of
the most amazing programs i’ve ever seen
in my life
dude when you ran away as a slave you
just didn’t run to the end of the
driveway and be like ah [ __ ] that job
just start walking down the street
dude you were to like run through whole
states
there’s dogs chasing me you’re hurtling
[ __ ] you’re swimming
those were the first [ __ ] triathletes
and there was nobody helping him out
there was no dude on the side of the
road like come on man two more statesmen
in ohio suck it up you’re looking good
looking good
[Applause]
yeah you
dude you were on your own
any wonder
250 300 years of that [ __ ] and then i’m
gonna d you up in gym class it ain’t
happening
i come from hundreds of years of
alcoholics i got like half a liver you
know what i mean it’s just
you know what’s funny to me about that
stuff you can’t even like you know i
always say you know that theory is crazy
but it’s just like you can’t even bring
up how well black people are doing in
sports everybody gets all weird about it
which i don’t understand because it’s
like a compliment you know
like feel how weird it is right now you
know i just brought that [ __ ] up
i’m saying something good right
i said i saw a coach get in trouble for
that [ __ ] like his team was like owen
six or something they just couldn’t win
and every week the press was just
getting on it more and more and more
right and the dude he was just like
flustered and he had like a moment of
honesty they were like why can’t you
guys win a game he’s like oh you know
oh the offense isn’t getting it done you
know defense
you know too slow and just run off
tell me we got to get some more black
guys on this team but i’m telling you
and immediately everybody’s like
everyone started freaking out like they
had no idea what this dude was talking
about
it’s like are you watching sportscenter
or do you see the olympics like i love
the 100 meter dash right there’s always
there’s always like like like nine black
dudes and that one token white guy in
like lane eight
i’m just sitting there going come on man
one time just one time just win the
bronze just do what you got to do
the white dude always stays with him
till like the first turn then he like
[ __ ] blows out his hammy
those other eight black dudes left
where’s that white dude the next
olympics he’s like up in the broadcast
booth his career is over he’s where he’s
like a commentator yeah it’s going to be
a great race still can’t feel my [ __ ]
toes but i’m telling you
no i don’t get it
it’s like a compliment saying you you’re
fast
that’s a good thing right
people start all freaking out you’re
acting like that’s all we can do you’re
saying we can’t be scientists no we’re
not
all we’re saying is if there was a race
through the microscopes you [ __ ]
would win
we’re just saying
that you’re fast you get there first
your lab coat would be flapping in the
wind
i’d get there like three minutes later
all cramped up
are you looking at bacteria no you go
first you just go for it
[Applause]
no i get into those arguments all the
time
all the time
friends of mine will be like well how
come any time a black athlete does
something they say it’s an athletic move
any time a white athlete does it they
say it’s an intelligent move and it’s
like well fair enough man it just just
depends on what you’re doing you know
what i mean it’s like you know if you
read a defense white or black that’s an
intelligent move right but if you take
off from the foul line jump over nine
other dudes and throw the [ __ ] down
those other nine guys aren’t standing
there like [ __ ] why didn’t i think of
that [ __ ]
here i am dribbling around guys i said
that’s some superhero [ __ ] she had like
a cake flapping in the wind with a big s
on your chest
[Applause]
i’m telling you man that’s the funny
thing about hitler
just let me finish let me work my way
let me work my way through this idea
no that’s my favorite my favorite
sports clip is that jesse owens [ __ ]
i just love it because
their whole angle
was [ __ ] up but he made hitler leave
in like the third quarter right he’s
putting down his number one finger just
[ __ ] walking out of the stadium jesus
christ
the whole thing was like we are going to
create a superior race it’s like dude i
think we accidentally already did that
now we sent a select group of people to
the gym every day for a couple hundred
years that’s paying dividends they’re
[ __ ] dunking on us every day
dude how quiet was that limo ride home
with hitler you know what i’m saying
you know he was talking crazy [ __ ] when
they were on the way there they were all
amped up they are going through dominate
seeing hell just going off
that whole ride home they’re just
sitting there all quiet
you’re sitting next to an even angrier
than usual adolf hitler
trying to make some sort of small talk
like
it is one nice day isn’t it you know
nice boots
[Music]