Bill Burr: “I’ll Never Own a Helicopter” – Full Special

from New York City Comedy Central
presents
Bill Burr
all right thank you
thank you very much
all right nice nice to be here
beautiful theater here I didn’t do
anything today
I’m a loser man that was still when I
was sitting around I was watching that
show I MTV Cribs you guys know that show
you don’t show with this show all the
rock stars and the rappers houses and
all their stuff does that show make you
feel like a loser
kills my self-esteem I’m sitting there
watching Britney Spears she’s like 20
years old she’s like oh my god this is
my helicopter
I had it spray painted pink to match my
top today so cool I put some glitter
part we’re gonna fly up to the house
I’m like 34 sitting on a futon eating
macaroni and cheese like oh my God
I’m a loser
I’ll never own a helicopter
you know what I love about that show
though all they’re doing is showing you
what not to do when you get rich
seriously because none of those people
are saving their money half of them all
they have is One Hit album so should
they really be buying all of that stuff
20 room house 17 cars he’s just like
dude don’t you watch Behind the Music
haven’t you learned anything from that
program you’re going to be smoking crack
in like six weeks
save your money
no they’re done my type right now man if
you want to know how to be rich don’t
look at a rapper don’t look at a rock
star look at a guy like Bill Gates that
dude is so good at being rich it’s like
irritating
he makes like 30 million dollars a day
and look at him
he dresses like he works in like a shoe
store
but that’s why he’s always gonna be rich
he’s not showing off trying to like buy
all this flashy stuff like walking
around like like an iced out laptop
Medallion hanging off his neck have some
fuzzy pimp hat to the side
sitting in a hot tub with some
you know have a in his crew just
for the hell of it
have you noticed a new status symbol of
rich people midges
I’m serious no entourage is complete now
unless you have a
and you know what that’s good for
midgets
seriously because historically those
people have not gotten good jobs
even when they book a movie they never
get to be the lead never get to be the
hero they always got to play like a
troll or a fairy run an album under a
bridge biting on somebody’s legs
so I was listening to George Bush today
you guys like George
oh yes no I like George you know what I
like about George Bush he makes me feel
like I could be president too
he’s like the first guy like from my
reading level you know like the first
guy like from my math class to finally
go out and do something
you know what I love about George he
can’t say the word Terror
he can he uses the word every speech he
can’t say Terror he goes tan
he goes America will not stand for 10.
anybody supports tear
dear terrorist
we’re gonna get you
what kind of President goes we’re gonna
get you
[Applause]
he’s like some redneck they dragged out
of a barbecue put them in a suit
dog just standing on stage going we’re
gonna get you you should just be up
there with a couple of bloodhounds going
go get him move
smell the shirt go get him
damn that Blue’s a good dog
I’ll tell you one thing I have realized
though when you go to war man that’s the
one time when you really have to like
appreciate rednecks though
no you know why because rednecks they’re
like America they’re like the one group
of people that actually want to go to
war
everybody else tries to get out of it
like rich people never go to war you ask
a college kid if he wants to go to war
he’s just like um I’m taking the
Sociology class and I think was like
really stupid my roommate’s like half
afghanis that’s gonna cause some static
hell yeah
absolutely I’m ready right now
you just poured the direction buddy I’m
ready to do this
now they’re frightening people but you
got to utilize them
seriously you want to scare the enemy
okay and rednecks are like America’s
pitbulls
they should just sedate those people
drop them off in Afghanistan just let
them run wild
just be like dude just go do everything
you ever dreamed of doing just go crazy
have one of your friends play the banjo
it’ll scare the hell out of you
seriously you wouldn’t want to draft a
guy like me I’m a comedian I’m useless
I’m a coward I don’t like confrontations
you draft a redneck not only is that
dude a psycho he’ll actually save you
money
those guys show up to the Army like
here’s your M16 they’re like I already
got one
up in the trunk you ain’t never seen
before buddy
I went on the internet got me some of
that surface-to-air stuff took it out
hunting got me a moose and a duck at the
same time
I didn’t even see the duff duck was over
her I’m aiming at the Moose Ducks over
her that’s my peripheral over her and
the shot went up the moose’s ass and the
shrapnel from his antler hit the duck
duck came down best damn dog ever right
foreign
[Applause]
I took the subway here this evening I
hate taking the Subway because I have a
very like howdy Duty kind of mug me kind
of face
no people tend to mess with me when I’m
on the train you know so I don’t look at
anybody when I’m on the train I just
like stare at the floor you know this is
a true story one night I’m sitting there
I’m staring at the floor there’s like 20
other people in the middle of the train
all of a sudden I hit this lady’s voice
at the back of the train I swear to God
she’s sitting there she’s going she’s
going ow
I swear to God she’s like oh
[Music]
and you know it’s like you don’t want to
look when some stuff like that’s
happening you know you try to ignore it
you’re just sitting there going like
settle that
make it go away
don’t want to see the rest of that but
it just keeps going she’s going hey sit
out
so finally I gotta look I look down I
swear to God man this dude has got his
girl like right by the back of the neck
he’s going to shut the hell up
shut up she’s like
shut up
so I don’t know what the hell to do you
know because it’s like I really want to
help her out but I don’t really know how
to fight so
what am I gonna do I’m gonna walk down
the end of the train five seconds later
I’m gonna be gone
[Music]
so I didn’t do a damn thing
I didn’t I just sat there I was like to
hell with her she picked him it’s not my
problem
I don’t know if she’s into that kind of
thing but
so I was watching a little bit of Oprah
the other night
I don’t really like that show my
girlfriend likes it and I want to get
laid so you know no no you pick your
battles you don’t like about that show
they always examine relationships on
that show you know I realize whenever
they do it on those talk shows ninety
percent of the time the dude is always
wrong
it’s unbelievable two people ninety
percent of time guys always wrong
he’s always like this woman is always
like totally innocent like I was just
trying to make them some chocolate chip
cookies
and he didn’t think there was enough
chocolate chips in the cookies so he
started beating me with the cookie pan
it was horrible
then the guy’s like always the biggest
more never like well what they want some
cookies
now I’m not saying guys aren’t jerks I’m
a good example of one you know what I’m
saying but women can be jerks too they
should balance it out like you know a
group of women I’d love them to do a
show on are those 24 25 year old
gorgeous women who will go out and like
hook up and marry like a 80 year old
rich guy
you ever seen them hanging out like Hugh
Hefner some seven-year-old guy in his
pajamas
now if they were just honest about it
we’re like look this guy’s gonna die in
like seven or eight minutes and we get a
bag of cash and Alexis I wouldn’t have a
problem with it but they always try and
lie and be like no I love them for who
he is
it has nothing to do with the big yacht
there’s just something about the way he
drools in his bathrobe as he pushes the
checkers along it’s really enjoyable
he’s gonna be like lady y’all humping
him for his money
something I could never do man if some
80 year old billionaire Rich old lady
came walking down the street started
like hitting on me sitting like hey
there sonny
you know so I grabbed my ass oh you’re
pretty firm what are you in the Navy or
something
this big lady get the hell away from me
right you’re old you’re gross
you know I’m sorry I’m sure you are
unbelievable back in the 20s when you’re
doing the Charleston making beer in your
bathtub but you were at least four
decades Beyond humpable I’m sorry
no how do you have sex I don’t
understand how do you have sex with
somebody 40 50 years older than you I’ll
tell you the only way you can do it you
know what you got to do you got to put
the will on the headboard
No so at any point if you lose your
nerve you just can read some of the
stuff that you’re getting you’re just
sitting there like oh my God this is
disgusting what is becoming me oh a
house in Miami okay I can stick this out
a little bit longer I guess this isn’t
as bad as I was thinking a second ago
now I got some issues I guess
I do I’m not gonna lie to you like a
beautiful woman I don’t trust beautiful
women
I just don’t you know why because you
know what I’ve noticed in my life as a
man beautiful woman only around when you
have stuff
when your life is going on great they’re
all over the place but when you’re broke
you can’t find a beautiful woman
you’re like under a bridge there’s like
trolls and ferrets running around
they’re just not around
then the second you get some like you
get a little money off they come out of
a woodwork like oh my God you have some
stuff can you buy me some stuff I want
some stuff too then the second should go
broke oh my God I left something over
here next to this guy he has stuff I’ve
always loved you
[Applause]
no you know what you want to solidified
my issues this is what solidified it
okay I was at a Yankees game one time
right I’m sitting there it was like the
end of the inning and Tino Martinez
catches a foul ball to end the inning
you know they always throw it into the
crowd this is like a hundred people
going Tina
there’s a beautiful girl sitting right
in the front row of course oh my God I
have these eh I could sit in front of
hell what this doesn’t happen to
everybody
so there’s a hundred people asking for
this stupid ball he walks right up to
her does it just hands it right to her
didn’t flip it didn’t toss it handed it
right to her you know what I’d have to
do in my lifetime to ever catch a fall
ball first of all would have to be like
the one in a million chance that the
ball was actually hit way the hell up
where I was sitting and like the upper
upper upper deck which means the ball is
going to be coming in at about 100 120
miles an hour so I got to figure out
like which body part I’m gonna sacrifice
to slow it down and then I gotta pounce
on it curl up in the fetal position as
eight guys punched me in the back of the
head and I pray to God that I can hang
on until security gets there
and he just walks right up and just
handed them all
she probably didn’t even know what it
was like basket oh baseball oh my God
let me take this home and stick it next
to my other unbelievable free things
that I don’t appreciate
shelf in my house
so anywho
I was taking the uh
I don’t know you want the greatest thing
about this job is I don’t have a boss
that’s what I love about this show I
never wanted a job where I had a boss
that’s why he’s always working like
warehouses because my boss gave me a
rough time I could just get on a
forklift and just like drive away from
them
you know
and I realized that was too stupid to
run a business
you know what I mean I just knew I was
never going to be that guy in like you
know in the big
office big long table gone we know we in
the fourth quarter we need to increase
increase production okay Kathy you’re
using a little bit too many paper clips
and we need to just kind of tone that
down not single you out we’re just kind
of
I could never do it so I realized the
only thing I could ever do my greatest
thing could ever do was work on one of
those cubicles
and I refuse to do it
cubicle should be illegal man you know
what a cubicle basically says it
basically says like you know what we
don’t think you’re smart enough for an
office but we don’t want you to look at
anybody
so you’re gonna get in there and you’re
gonna shut your face
and you just get in there and you’re
like hunched over typing away around
lunch time you pop your head up like a
gopher like hey Steve you want to get a
sandwich I said get in there and shut
your face I wish I was just asking for a
sandwich or something God I hate that
guy I really hate that guy it’s time to
go on the internet and look for a weapon
[Applause]
pathetic man you know what I love about
the cubicle I always love the pathetic
attempt to try to make the cubicle like
a home you know what I mean
there’s always like a stuffed animal in
there or like a picture of your mom with
like your disappointed eyes looking back
out at you like why have you accepted
this since your lot in life why don’t
you have the balls to get up and walk
out of this thing
I’m telling you those people need to be
rescued you ever walk by a cubicle the
person in the cubicle always looks back
out at you
because they’re starved for some sort of
human contact
they’ll just start up a conversation
like hey hey
raining out I haven’t seen the sky in
like six days they don’t let us look out
the window
so we go there this is a true story man
I’m standing all right minding my own
business all right this black guy goes
again on the train right all of a sudden
the door’s like closed on them you know
when that happens they kind of open and
close it
it’s like they’re trying to like dice
you up
so it’s like typical New York there’s
like 20 people watching but nobody helps
out everyone’s just standing like wow I
think it’s going to cut his arm off
so the dude’s stuck in the doors the
conductor comes out starts giving the
guy a rough time as he’s stuck in the
doors
he’s going come on buddy let’s go
he’s like at home people up let’s go
so the dude in the door starts flipping
out what the hell are you yelling at me
for he’s like I’m stuck in the doors
then he makes it racial he’s like I bet
you wouldn’t say anything to all these
crackers sitting over here
it was like me and three other white
dudes sitting there so he gets into with
this guy he keeps coming back to that
point like I bet he wouldn’t say
anything these crackers sitting over
here and after like the third or fourth
crackers sitting over here man the three
white dudes trying to kind of start like
looking at each other like dude should
we let be getting offended at this point
this is getting ridiculous
I can literally feel the heat from his
fingers he’s going crackers sitting over
here
somebody should do something
do you know what nobody did
just sat there and took it
that’s what sucks about being white in
that situation
there’s no Unity
there’s no brothers when it comes to
white people
we are not we we are just complete
individuals we don’t care about each
other we’re not it’s not my brother my
brother lives in Ohio I don’t know that
guy
I’m not concerned about over here I’m
concerned about from here right here
here
that was unbelievable
I got called a cracker for like 18 stops
I’ll tell you that’s funny though when
someone gets raced with you when you’re
white because you’re not allowed to get
racial back you know what I mean so it’s
kind of like awkward the dude’s going
off the white boy you crack up you’re
like dude you stupid jerk
no you can’t get racial back because the
second you get racial back when you’re
white then all of a sudden they like
wheel out that Podium and have like that
press conference
you got to be like that guy standing up
there going I yeah I disgraced the
company
I disgrace myself I just like to state
that there was no air conditioning on
the subway I wasn’t thinking clearly I
have nothing against Mexicans and went
to Tijuana I had a great time please
please don’t do this
no that’s why a lot of white dudes we
can get up tight in certain social
situations we got to watch out for the
podium
no that Podium can come out of nowhere
you’re not even trying to say something
like yeah I’m thinking of getting a
shirt uh what shirt I think of the black
shirt what the hell did you say I said
black shirt I should have said
African-American shirt I apologize
please I need this position I have a
mortgage please don’t do this
so anywho I got a computer recently
that’s like one of the biggest things of
my life I’m really trying to get like
more like you know into this whole
technology thing I’m awful with
computers I’m one of those guys
basically every button I hit on my
computer my computer has to like shut
down
like regroup
somehow like deal with my idiocy you
know what I mean
then there’s always like some
eight-year-old I see later on laptop
like
breaking into the Pentagon
downloading movies that haven’t even
been made yet and I just got a plane
ticket for six bucks you just want to
slam his head in the thing
I’ll tell you the only thing I like
about my computer is I really enjoy
spell check
no I love it you know what I love about
spell check you know would be close to
getting the word right have you ever
noticed that all you got to do is just
get it like somewhere like within the
ballpark of the word it’s almost like
your computer can just start guessing
like gosh I don’t know
dinosaur
you know when you’re sitting there like
an idiot like nah
I wasn’t trying to spell dinosaur
so now what does your computer do it
starts throwing out like every d word it
can possibly think of like okay how
about dictionary diary any of this stuff
looking familiar
are we moving towards the goal or away
from it
you have a spell a word so bad though
your spell check has absolutely no clue
what the hell you’re trying to spell
what do you end up getting you end up
getting like a question mark
you got a million dollars worth of
Technology just looking back at you like
just like you got me buddy
which is pretty amazing because I have
all the words
yeah and that doesn’t look like any of
them
I can’t even make a guess that’s so
screwed up
would you like pass out whack your head
off the keyboard please tell me you’re
not that stupid all right that’s it for
me you guys have a lot of fun thank you
very much
God bless you thank you for coming out
[Music]
thank you
[Music]