Nikki Glaser: Perfect – Full Special

[Music]
[Music]
thank you thank you
new york
thank you
stubborn
stop it
how are you guys
yeah i am woo too i uh
i’m feeling woo i uh it’s so good to be
here i’m uh the prime of my life i’m in
my late 20s i’m 31 and it’s just
it’s going great i uh that’s a woman’s
age like i am a woman but i don’t feel
like one most of the time i’m still
feeling like a girl a lot of times like
i’m still relating to taylor swift songs
on a level i definitely shouldn’t you
know
but like my back hurts a lot so i’m like
oh
that’s right i can’t shake it off like i
wish
[Music]
i wish i could
i’m on snapchat you know but like a
google bunion surgery every day so
looking into that
it’s weird like i feel confident most of
the time but there are times
like the other day i got jealous of a
dog’s thigh gap i’m not proud of that
it’s just like how does she do it
i have to switch to kibble i’m just
gonna do it
[ __ ] but
i’m just like not where i should be i
feel as a 31 year old i don’t want a lot
of things that uh girls my age want i
don’t want kids i do want a baby though
so it’s like oh you know
they become that and so
yeah i do want a baby but like i feel
like most women want babies and that’s
maybe why so many of us exist because
babies are so cute everyone wants one
they’re like the puppies of humans i’ve
heard
um i think a scientist said that once
and
you know it’s like and that’s all you
hear women say when they’re gonna have
kids they’re like oh we’re trying for a
baby oh we’re gonna have a baby we just
had a baby baby and it’s like yeah i
know but like eventually it’s just gonna
be some dude named doug you know that
right like it’s just gonna be
a guy
like it’s always baby but it’s like it’s
a baby this much of the time you know it
and then it’s all dug like it’s just
no one’s ever like oh we’re having a man
that’s what you should say
i don’t want a dog i don’t um
i’m not i mean i babysat for years cause
this family just never came home but
that was difficult it’s hard babysitting
is hard it’s like ugh because it’s like
you’re a mother but you don’t love them
so it’s like hard to care
yeah i mean
i uh yeah i just feel like i’m past my
prime to have kids a little bit like i
feel like i should have done it in my
teens like that would have been the best
time
it’s like they discourage it almost
exclusively but they shouldn’t like if i
had a baby now like my parents couldn’t
help me at all they live in st louis i’m
in la like it would be too hard but if
if you’re in high school and you have a
kid like you live with your mom and dad
or probably just your mom let’s be
honest um
yeah your dad probably split a while ago
but your mom’s there you know
she’s hanging out uh vaping watching dr
phil something like that like i feel
like that’s how she busies herself
she can help she can she
you could just hand the baby to her and
be like here mom try again he’s yours
now
yeah you kind of [ __ ] up the first
time since that’s mine and i can’t drive
so
yeah his name’s mulligan i really feel
like you can nail it this time if you
just like focus
and stop playing the lottery um
i’d have it over with too if i had a
baby when i was like 15
she’d be 16 now probably have a
granddaughter on the way like that would
be perfect for me
i could handle
life as a nana you know
that’s what i call my grandma because
when i was little i couldn’t pronounce
old [ __ ] so that’s what i came up with
but yeah i don’t i don’t want kids yet i
don’t want to get married
it helps that my boyfriend doesn’t want
to marry me so that’s like
that’s convenient uh
for a while he was like i don’t want to
get married until gay people can get
married and i was like they can he was
like yeah i never thought that would
happen so
i was like oh i thought that was weird
you were protesting all those times so
he doesn’t want to get married i don’t
really care i don’t need like a big
reception i don’t want to whole to do i
never want to have to slow dance with my
dad in front of all of my friends
like that seems like that’s something we
do alone together and i don’t want to
ruin that like i feel you know
thank you yeah
and like what if the band doesn’t know
genuine’s pony are we supposed to just
like freestyle to whatever they
come up with that seems humiliating you
know
uh-uh
i also don’t like the fact that when you
get married as a woman you just kind of
give up your last name
like you really it’s nice to take your
husband’s name but then you’re like oh
this thing i’ve had my whole life that’s
my whole identity that my
great-grandparents came through ellis
island with i’ll just throw it in the
trash this guy seems cool but like
that’s
what
you really like your name is nothing
after you get married all it is is like
your [ __ ] son’s bank account
security question answer that’s all your
name is
what only time it comes up yeah
and he’s gotta call you because he
doesn’t even know it like
that’s the one call you get from him a
month
mom i’m locked on my account again hey
what’s your old name
he calls it an old name you’re like you
mean my maiden name he’s like whatever
uh jones he’s like can you spell it and
you’re like [ __ ] dug like jesus
christ
why couldn’t you see a baby
that is weird that that’s the question
that they came up with
like the banks were like what worthless
piece of information
could we ask for
that no one would ever know about this
man
to protect his finances
and some guy’s like what about his
mother’s name
they’re like perfect who gives his [ __ ]
right
his mother’s name
that’s the question
that’s always that quick that seems like
something people should know about you
but it’s that question than uh uh your
first concert so it’s your name and then
your son’s first concert or just your
name and limp biscuit are just fighting
for the top spot
so rude
your name really just you’re just like i
don’t really see it anymore sometimes
women get divorced but they keep their
ex-husbands last names because they’re
just like i just don’t want to go to the
dmv like i don’t care
like i’ll just live with this man’s name
i hate because i don’t wait in line like
i get it
because your name disappears that’s why
i want to marry someone with my same
last name save the trouble not a cousin
because they’re poor but like a um
like uh like another glazer i could find
one and uh but if we had kids i would
still make my kids hyphenate their names
just to be a dick about it i don’t know
i
think they’d be like mom why are we
glazer glazer
like i don’t know i want you to sound
like tiny little law firms okay that’s
that’s why
this is my son cooper glazer glazer and
associates his sister associates
[Music]
[Applause]
but we’ve been together my boyfriend and
i have been together
like three years we’ve broken up like
three times but we always get back
together so we’re gonna make it
and that’s like really promising um
no it is it’s been good it’s uh he broke
up with me once because he kind of like
found out i was
lying about who i was in the beginning
of our relationship to kind of trap him
into one
i was like i didn’t know i wasn’t
supposed to do that like
[Music]
but what if i don’t like me uh
i really was like pretending to be this
version of a girl that he would fall in
love with you know i was just walking
around like what would khaleesi do like
i just i didn’t know what i was like he
likes that show i think you know
so i just like walked around topless got
a bunch of lizards i
i didn’t think it through but
i hit a couple things i wasn’t lying
about who i was i kind of put
i feel like i put spanx on my
personality like i was just like
tucking some things in you know
there’s like i don’t know like
he’s a lot cleaner than i am we were
getting ready for bed once and you know
when you’re like first like hanging out
with someone you start sleeping over and
your hygiene habits kind of meet up and
yours are just like not really up to
snuff
but you just like fake it you’re just
like i always brush them this long
that’s cool yeah
oh you get the bottoms that’s neat i’ll
try that all right
uh and then my arm is going numb he’s
still going i’m just like cool we’re
still doing this like
i get through that i’m like headed out
of the bathroom he’s like you gotta
floss and i was like
you
this never happens i must have hit
something this is weird
first time
both ends are on our period is that not
right okay
don’t don’t say that
so yeah he’s uh
we’ve been taking uh showers together
recently which is like
because i just think he like wants me to
shower more so that’s cool
let’s take what i can get like
he’s like let’s get in i’m like whoo
he’s just like scrubbing my back a
little too much i’m like what are you
doing i was like do you want a [ __ ]
he’s like let’s get your feet first i’m
like okay
all right i was like do you have like a
foot fetish
he’s like no you have a foot fungus and
you should get this looked at it’s of
concern i’m like it doesn’t scrub off
but he’s like a clean freak you can’t
compete with that like he takes up to
three showers a week and it’s like we
get it dr oz like ugh
but it’s been good uh i broke up with
him
the first time because uh we were a year
under our relationship and he would not
say i love you
and a year in and i needed to hear it
because my friends told me i did so
that’s when you know
that’s really when you know because i
was like trying to be cool about like
because friends talk about that you know
we’re just like did he say i love you
when’s he gonna say it and like
i didn’t have anything to tell them i
was just trying to play it cool i was
like i don’t need to hear it you know i
just i know he does like the way he like
high-fives me after sex like there’s no
question like you wouldn’t just do that
they’re like okay well well does he he
does he talk about the future at all and
i was like yeah you know like flying
cars robots like climate change
we’re all worried so
he’s no different you know
ah but they were so mad
and so i i went back to i was furious
too because that’s the thing if your
girlfriend breaks up with you out of the
blue
like when you’re like where did this
come from it’s probably because her
friends got together and decided
that they miss her and they want her
back so
they fill her head with lies and then
send her back to you and just like
like
because i was so mad i was just like why
don’t you love me you know like in a
super lovable tone and
just like crying in the street and he
just didn’t
want to say it
he he was sweet about it because he was
very calm and it was just like he’s
honest you know he’s just like i can’t
i can’t say it
and i was like okay well let’s find a
good speech therapist like let’s get you
in a program like
honestly i thought this was feelings for
you but clearly it’s phonics so this is
like such a relief
he really he this is what he did say he
was like he’s like i can’t say i love
you i was like you just did i’ll take it
thank you so much you can stop right
there that counts but
i’ve only had really two serious
boyfriends in my life and the first one
definitely uh did not say it on his own
he um
he was a blackout drunk with the twin
bed and um
that second part’s not really that
important i just kind of want to paint a
picture uh
he had a twin bed he was 30 with a twin
bed and i would be like can you upgrade
to a full so i feel like a woman
and um that’s all it takes you know and
and he was like no it’s an extra long
twin i was like oh a california twin wow
am i
rihanna jesus
so he uh he would get blackout drunk all
the time we were long distance he would
make he would get caught making out with
girls in bars back home where i was from
my friends would see him they’d call me
tell me about it i’d go in the next day
and be like what the [ __ ] and he was
like i thought it was you and i was like
oh like i
was flattered was she skinny like ugh
so
he was he came to visit me for
valentine’s day and i was like oh my god
he’s so gonna say i love you this is the
trip and i got ready i told all my
friends like this is it and it was a
great night like we went to this fancy
dinner that i paid for and then we were
like in this alley and like i was
rubbing his back as he vomited and it
was just like everything i’d wanted and
he just got really sick and passed out
and i was like oh my god like he didn’t
say i love you
i think you may have said i hate you
it’s like it was the worst time but i
was like wait a second when he gets
black out drunk he doesn’t remember
anything he does or says so i’ll just
make last night whatever i want it to be
so this is true i got i woke him up the
next morning and i was like hey
do you remember what you said to me last
night
he was like no i’m sorry what i was like
no
you told me you love me
he was like i did and i was like yeah
and he was like
okay
that’s it
he started saying it after that that’s
i date raped my boyfriend into loving me
that’s what i did thank you so much
i took back the night
[Applause]
i uh it was like a pretty good plan i
couldn’t use it though with my boyfriend
now because he doesn’t drink so i was
like what am i gonna do so this is how i
got
how am i gonna get it uh
this is how i got it i i decided to ask
him to say i love you
as he was coming which is a great time
ah
that’s a per like a guy will do anything
for you in that moment you just gotta
time it perfectly i was just like tell
me love you love you like it was just
like
i got it you know just the ones but i
got it you know so
that was pretty cool and uh
because i thought about i was like oh my
god guys are so vulnerable in that
moment they will do anything right
before they come up until they come like
he i feel like my boyfriend would like
take a bullet to the brain for me he
would jump in front of a train for me he
would do anything in a bruno mars song
pretty much is what i’m saying
like definitely i feel like bruno mars
must write all his lyrics before he
comes like that’s the only way
he feels those things
and then it is a sharp drop-off after
that
right after he comes i feel like
he’s in one second he’d do anything for
me and then he’s like and then it’s just
like i feel like he’s like what have i
done like he just
he wants to pretend it didn’t happen we
can’t really talk about it i’m like tell
me about my [ __ ] he’s just like no like
he doesn’t i want to talk he’s off
getting a towel i’m like you can let it
marinate i don’t care like this is fine
he’s like dabbing me off i’m like are we
having company like what’s the rush
like you know this was consensual right
what are you doing
he’s
so ashamed he tries to close me like a
laptop i’m like i’m a real woman with
feelings and thoughts in a career
you can’t do this
[Applause]
i think it’s porn i think that’s what
makes guys so ashamed after they come
sometimes because they’re used to just
watching disgusting things they’re like
whoa that didn’t happen
but it did
you did it and it’s like i i get it like
i i don’t mind that guys watch porn they
all watch it and um
i don’t i don’t care that my boyfriend
watches porn like i’m on the road a lot
so sometimes i’ll ask him to send me the
porn he’s about to jerk off to
and then i’ll sit there and watch it
like just knowing that he’s jerking off
to it
like i think it’s like romantic because
i’m like somewhere out there
[Music]
like we’re looking at the same moon you
know
it’s beautiful kind of
i’m not like totally like i don’t love
porn i watch it sometimes
mainly for tips like i’m always looking
for like new
tricks i can try you know especially
when it comes to blow jobs i’m always
like i feel like i’m not very good at
them so i’m always like i’ll check out a
[ __ ] video and like the front page
like something very mild i’ll be like
okay this seems cool i’ll just take some
notes like what are these gals gagging
about and just like
you learn some things you’re like oh
okay use both hands i can do that that
seems cool all right
look terrified all right i’ll give it a
whirl
wouldn’t be the first time you know
be fun to revisit okay
choke to death perfect okay
that’s how i’m going to go then like
it’s like
violent stuff on the front page you
don’t even have to dig for the stuff
every porno is just like oh it’s like a
girl just like
dying
when did this happen i feel like i took
a break from porn and then it’s all just
slobber now it’s like these girls have
so much saliva and i’m like i don’t have
that much like
it’s making me insecure i’m like these
[ __ ] look like saint bernards like i
don’t have this like frothy foamy
strands i’m like
do i need an extra gland or something
like what
i got to be wet up here now like it’s
just too much
i hate the way porn has made me feel
throughout my life i started watching
porn when it first came out in 98 and uh
it made me feel sad then i hadn’t even
kissed a boy and i was like i have to do
that like
and then i didn’t watch it forever then
i i checked back in on it when i like
started being interested in like having
sex i was like maybe i’ll try it and
then i was watching it and i saw porn
vaginas and i was like
mine doesn’t look like that
have you seen porn vaginas they’re just
like these tiny little it’s like god’s
little whisper it’s just like a little
suggestion it’s it literally is
sometimes i’m like does that girl just
have a paper cut down there like is that
looks like it would hurt like it’s just
these time i haven’t looked like that
since i was seven to be honest like i
remember i didn’t know those were my
glory days
i should have just stared at it more and
been like you got a girl like that would
have been
amazing
i squandered my youth
yeah those porn vaginas made me so sad
about my own because man my vagina
doesn’t look like that and i hated it
for a while i just i was like so furious
every time i looked at it i wanted to
punch it i was just like
and it looked like it had been punched
several times so that’s what’s weird
about that i was like why make it worse
sometimes i see and i’m just like were
you in a street fight early like it just
is like
picking gravel out oh my god
you know what i’m talking about like you
something if you have vaginas like mine
like where you’re just like like it
looks like it’s trying to escape kind of
like
do you know what i mean don’t be ashamed
i have it too it’s like
some you could ask me how’s it hanging
some days and that’s fine that’s
that’s my body
you go to get a wax and she has to go
through like a rolodex okay let’s go
no one just me great great feeling great
about my body again thanks so much
but yeah i don’t know i don’t i’m not
bothered by porn as much anymore my
boyfriend got me into porn uh the
industry it’s been pretty lucrative
it’s uh i’m just dipping my toe in you
know just that’s what i do i dip my toe
in girls vaginas that’s um it’s very
niche very niche
um i i we’ve been watching porn together
a little bit and uh because we finished
friday night lights so that’s what
what netflix wanted for us and uh
so we’ve been watching porn together and
he’s he wants to watch what i want to
watch so he’s like what are you into and
i’m like well if it were up to me we
would watch a tmz clip of zac efron
getting out of a car like that’s
what treats mommy right you know like
that’s fine for me but
in terms of porn like i just there’s
nothing there’s been a couple videos
that i’m like i like that but i always
stumble into them i wouldn’t know how to
search for it it’s too weird that what i
don’t even know how to describe what i
like he was like try me like i’ll find
it because apparently he’s like the
edward snowden of porn like he can just
hack and like find anything
but he was like describe it come on i’ll
find it i was like okay uh
of the porn i’ve seen the
the ones i like are like the videos
where the girls she isn’t really quite
into it at first you know she’s a little
bit like i don’t know you know but then
she like gets into it but like at first
she’s just like a little reluctant and
he was like oh yeah reluctant porn he
starts typing in reluctant
like what are you doing he’s like
reluctant i’m like that’s not easy yeah
it is and it is oh it is
it is there’s so much reluctant porn
with reluctant in the titles i mean it’s
just like hot reluctant [ __ ] and i’m
just like
one of those words is not like the other
porn like that doesn’t
that one
where did you learn that word
have you been attending night school
like what
reluctant it’s very hot you should look
it up it’s uh if you want if you don’t
want to if you’re a little reluctant to
do so i do
uh i do a pretty sick impression of
reluctant porn so here we go so this is
all reluctant porn ready
no okay like that’s it that
is it
yes slight hesitation
full commitment yes
i’ve learned a lot from porn uh
dirty talk wise not like physically i
just
my mo is i kind of just lay there like
i’m a bottom you know like i just
and i’m enjoying myself i don’t want to
change like i like being on bottom i’m
i’m not a dead fish i just i hate when
guys call me that i think that’s rude
dead fish i’ve had a dead fish i’m like
what no no i’m like a fish on its way
out like that
i’ll give you that like i’m not doing
great but like
dead
maybe someone just needs to clean my
tank you know like that’s
that’s what i call going down on me
thank you so much
it’s really disgusting
please tonight if you get gunned down on
like just say to yourself just for me
just go like yeah you clean that [ __ ]
tank just like for me
it just
it’ll make you feel good i know
i feel like i’ll feel it you know like
my ear will tingle i’m like yeah girl’s
getting her tangling
i eat it
i love that
so i i if you’re lazy in bed like i am
you kind of got to bring it when it
comes to uh dirty talk because i’m
rarely like on top doing things that are
impressive if i’m ever on top i always
do reverse cowgirl because you can
pretend his legs are zac efron’s a lot
easier than his
dumb stupid head so
but if you’re on bottom just chill and
say some good stuff like i now i i have
lines to say before i did it i would
just be put on the spot and i couldn’t
think of anything he’d be like what do
you want i’d be like to check my phone i
mean
to check your dick and he’s like what
something for crabs i don’t know okay
i’m sorry
so go in with a plan
and that’s where porn comes in you watch
porn you steal the line from that and
you use it
and i steal from sasha gray she’s my
favorite uh porn actress she’s awesome
she’s so
like poetically filthy and i stole one
of her like mild lines from one of her
disney porns and um
the line was i uh oh you own this [ __ ]
i was like that’s great i’ll use that
you know
i’ve been looking to sell this thing off
for a while anyway so
please someone take it so
i said that i decided to say that so
we’re doing it and i’m like gearing up
and i just like he’s back there and uh
set the scene he was back there and i
and i and by the way i was not even
doing doggy style like that’s even for
me i’m like i don’t want to plank right
now like can we not
i’m always like can we turn doggy into
walrus can we like make this a little
bit more
comfy for old glazed dog
like i don’t want
i don’t want to engage my core right now
if that’s cool thanks
so
he’s doing it i’m wallerson and he uh
things are going great
and out of nowhere i was just like you
own this [ __ ] and he was like what and
i was like you heard me and he was like
okay and he’s like nervous because he’s
like a first-time [ __ ] owner like i
think he had just
rented before i apparently
it can be nerve-wracking you know
so it was good i was excited i was like
ah and
to be honest i really thought that i
would say you own this [ __ ] and he
would just like immediately finish like
he would just be like i love you
but it didn’t happen that way
he like needed a lot more from me like
that was
it was hot but he like needed me to say
more things and uh and i didn’t have
anything else to say that’s all i had
written on my hand so i was just kind of
doing this
so i just started repeating myself which
works at first you know you’re like you
own this [ __ ] yeah i do you own this a
year i do you own this [ __ ]
okay uh
pretty aware of that by now
care to expound on this situation
whatsoever
and i was i had nothing so i’m just like
uh
it’s in escrow we just
we just put it in i don’t know what i
mean i’m just grasping at loose real
estate terminology
there’s a spacious eat-in kitchen if you
just
contact janet russo to set up a showing
917-425 he’s like are you giving me my
aunt’s number like i don’t know this is
the only real estate agent i know
i’m like check out the mud room it’s
right above you if you so dare
come on
please no
anal
anal
oh god do you guys do it i do uh
i love it um
i don’t i mean it’s fine it’s good you
should try it it’s uh and i always feel
weird saying that i’ve done it because
people i just feel like we didn’t need
to know that or they’re like i would
never do that but here’s the thing i’ve
done research 33 of women have done it
so like all of these girls that just
like crazy
because i wouldn’t think you’ve done it
but you have these are facts so that’s
like so weird mom
it’s like
just knowing that you’ve done that
my boyfriend bought me a sex swing
uh i did not ask for one he surprised me
with it i got back from the road and he
like walked me in the bedroom was like
surprised and i was like are you living
with a handicapped woman that needs to
get in and out but like it’s
it’s a big apparatus with all these
straps i mean it it really looks like
how they fed the velociraptors in
jurassic park like when they lower
the cows down and then they come back up
which is like swinging straps you guys
know
that’s a sex swing i think i’m pretty
sure
it’s really it’s fun it’s great i uh i
know why he got it because he’s like
tired of doing all the work because i
just lay there so he’s like because you
know i just like plopping this thing and
then he just taps it once and then
you’re just like [ __ ] forever like
it’s just perpetual motion after that
it’s like the bird dipping in water of
sex she’s like
you’ll just [ __ ] forever
until a scientist comes and stops i
don’t know why that has to happen
but yeah it’s pretty fun
i found the box and he hadn’t like
opened the whole box because on the box
it said free blindfold inside
i was like yes a sleep mask you know
like i love sleep masks
i i love i wear them on planes i need
them i’m a connoisseur i leave them in
place all the time though and so this
one i’ve been wearing it’s so good it’s
the best one i’ve ever had this sex wing
blindfold uh
so it blocks out all the light it it
does say come [ __ ] on it but i’m like
that’s who i am
so you know
far be it for me to deny southwest that
information you know
it is weird when we land and i wake up
and i’m like i hope that’s drool i go
really
i hope israel
please be drama
i’ve said that so many times in my life
please be drawn
i don’t know why it’s a weird thing to
say
i am like obsessed with talking about
sex i apologize if it’s not your thing
but like come on it’s like so fun and uh
like we’re all having sex but we don’t
really like talk about it like we’ll be
like oh yeah i’ve had sex before like
we’ll admit that but we won’t be like oh
yeah i’ve been like but that’s like what
you look like
no one admits that they’re like no i
look cooler no you don’t
you’re just like
like this it’s just a bunch of like skin
like shaking it’s so gross
and you all look like it we all do but
like
the only thing that like differentiates
us is like we put on clothes and we’re
like nope i’ve never done that what’s
going like as soon as you’re not naked
you can be like no i don’t do that what
are you talking about i’m a princess
like that’s
what’s separating us is just clothes
like you can give like a sloppy blow job
and put on like some jeans and a tank
top and be like i’ve never sucked a dick
in my life what are you talking about
[Music]
nope not me and it’s like yes you have
if you want a tank top male or female
you suck some dicks like that’s just a
fact of
tank tops i think
yeah
pregnant women are my favorite because
you’re like i
know you doing it like
hey you got stuffed you got stuff like
you know it
and uh and then you oh you can find out
like exactly when she had sex like all
you have to do is ask like whenever you
do or pretend you care or whatever and
then
you just do some light math and you
count back nine months and you’re like
july you were just like oh like in july
you are getting it
you love it
yeah you should be ashamed of yourself
like i love that
that’s the thing about being pregnant
like you if you tell your parents you’re
pregnant like you’re pretty much like
dad chris came inside me come here
[Music]
i kept it in like this
no i don’t want to do that
i don’t like how women are marketed to
feminine wipes
feminine wipes are these things you’re
supposed to carry around because they’re
like hey
your vagina smells like it’s supposed to
and it’s grossing everyone out can you
fix it please thank you
we’re like okay i’m so sorry to ruin the
party
people are buying these i don’t know
anyone who does but i just don’t
understand why those exist yet ball
wipes were like no that’s cool we don’t
need them
i i don’t want balls to smell different
but let’s just like we should be equally
shamed you know like
a fun portable ball wipe like why can’t
that be a thing
i don’t this is the thing i don’t want
your balls to smell good i like the i
don’t like like the way they smell but
i’m like
i’m not like
[Music]
i don’t want it like wafting through my
foyer but like
not dragging my boyfriend into a yankee
candle like can you guys match this
scent is there a way
with like a touch of taint like just
like a
cool okay i’ll leave you here i’ll be a
piercing pagoda bye like no
i don’t like i don’t enjoy the scent the
aroma but i like that balls smell
exactly how they look like that’s
there’s something cool about that
they’re just so authentic
and so they shouldn’t smell good you
shouldn’t put anything on them because
we know that things are supposed to look
how they smell we all know that from
febreze commercials you know where a
person they set a person in a hoarder’s
apartment and they blindfold them
they’re like where am i
am i in a whispering meadow what’s
happening
there’s like a rat crawling behind them
in some trash
they’re like what’s that is that a
bobbling brook
going on back there
then they take it off they’re like
it psychologically [ __ ] you up don’t
febreze your balls like there’s no
amount
of smell
i’m not gonna close my eyes when i’m
down there and be like am i in an
arabian spice market tonight like no
i know where i am
your dick is in my eye like that
i don’t really know
but like
everyone knows about ball smell it’s
it’s funny to me that they attacked
women’s smell first because ball smell
has been around forever even before i
knew what balls were i knew what ball
smell was like i knew balls smelled and
so did you think about it you’re a kid
right and you walk into a room that
smells a little weird you turn to your
friend you’re like
it smells like balls in here right like
that
that’s a phrase that was based on your
balls
to convey a generic funk smell
like it’s been your grandma could be
like smells like balls in here you’d be
like that’s absolutely right grandma
like that’s a normal thing for you to
say right now because it does smell like
balls in here
like i think chaucer wrote it that’s
been around forever so
[Applause]
i was having sex recently with uh my
boyfriend and i hate seeing boyfriend
because it sounds like boyfriend
i hate it my ex my future ex fiance and
i were uh
we can get there and uh no we were doing
it uh recently and uh he said the funny
thing and this is how i know he watches
porn a lot because out of nowhere he
just goes
what would you do for this dick
great question i was like
i love it
so are you terry gross this is amazing
what would you do he doesn’t talk like
that either by the way like he’s like
why do you sound like batman right now
what would you do
and i was like i didn’t know your dick
was a klondike bar let’s start there
like i don’t have a plan
i was like i’d do a silly dance and he’s
like please stop it’s going down
he’s like okay
i didn’t i didn’t know what to say he
asked it at the wrong time you should
ask that question before you have sex
right like what would you do for this
dick he’s like across the room he’s just
dangling it and i’m just like anything
anything like that
that’s the way i’m just like
that’s how i get
a real dick hungry but i just
he asked it while i had it he’s like
what would you do for this dick
i was like whatever i did 10 minutes ago
that seemed to work
sit on your couch and eat thai food
wait till shark tank is over
like there’s not a lot of hurdles
between me and your dick you know like
i didn’t know what to say
i i hope he asked me again because i
just wasn’t prepared which he won’t
because i’ve done this joke so
but if he does i i would say
if he’s just like what would you do this
dick i’d like press play and be like i
would walk 500 miles and i would like
because i would
i love it
i do i love i love it it’s my best
friend
uh
so yeah i just dicks are so fun to me i
like to compliment my guy’s dick like i
i did that very early on on in our
relationship i i complimented him and i
i learned that there’s only so many
things you can say about a dick that
guys want to hear it’s like two things
you can be like oh it’s so big
or like owie like that’s kind of it like
don’t stray too far outside of that
but that’s that’s hard because like
sometimes they’re not huge like my
boyfriend not huge average perfectly
average i love it it’s wonderful but
it’s average and you can’t
celebrate that that you know you can’t
be like oh my god it’s so [ __ ]
expected like
yes fill me up with that adequate [ __ ]
like the other
not good so
so you lie you lie you know like you’re
in the moment and we were in the moment
and i was just like it’s so big and he
was just like oh is it
you’re so big
i was like yeah and he was like we’re
looking at the same thing right now come
on
so very i’m like can you just like
suspend disbelief for like 15 seconds
maybe and think to yourself like well
maybe she’s only seen baby dicks like
she worked in a nursery her whole life
and never got a date like maybe that’s
it
but he was like don’t lie i’m like okay
fine i won’t and then i just
stopped complimenting it all together
because i was like i can’t say anything
but then i realized oh wait i can say
it’s perfect that’s what i’ll say
because it’s not a lie i think it’s
perfect so now i say it’s perfect so if
you’ve heard your dick is perfect it’s
average or below average so that’s just
the thing i want you to know yes
yes
and the lady has found a loophole
but i really
i don’t care that much about dick size i
know it’s a it’s a thing but i don’t
know if i love someone enough i really
don’t care and my friends are like yeah
right and i’m like i really i don’t
they’re like what if he had a micro
penis
and i’m like i don’t know there’s other
things like you can work around like you
can cheat on him you can um
use toys uh
no there’s other things you can you have
your hands you have your tongue
you know at least you don’t have a micro
tongue you know celebrate that
if you have a micropenis just be proud
of your big tongue because if you had
like a tiny little
how gross would that be if a guy was
like hey baby and then then like a
little gecko but he just had a huge [ __ ]
what are you like
you’d be like where’s micro i need him
like that is so gross
so at least your tongue’s cool you know
i did get in trouble for lying you
shouldn’t lie uh and i know that he was
we talked about it a lot my boyfriend
was like you know
don’t lie like girls don’t know because
they don’t get compliments down there so
they like don’t get it what it feels
like to be lied and i was like yeah you
know i’d i’d we’d like some you know
and he was like really like what would
what would i even say
i don’t know like like we’re tight or
whatever
he was like
really i wouldn’t even think to say that
that’s crazy that’s
i’m like to me or girls in general like
what’s
the vibe here
he was like no babe you’re perfect and i
was like yes okay
oh [ __ ] you okay that’s mine
he was like owie i’m like enough
new york thank you so much for coming
out tonight you’re so great thank you
thank you thank you
i love you thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
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[Music]
[Applause]
you