“Whole Country is Turned into B*tch Ass N***ga” – Dave Chappelle.

listen you know
when i was growing up it’s probably
about eight years old and at the time
we were living in silver spring
yeah
yes
common misconception about me in dc a
lot of people think i’m from the hood
that’s not true
but i never bothered to correct anybody
because i wanted the streets to embrace
me
as a matter of fact i kept it up as a
ruse
like sometimes i’ll hang out with
rappers like nas and them and these
[ __ ] start talking about the
projects yo it was wild in the pjs yo
and i’d be like word [ __ ] work but i
don’t know
i have no idea
my parents did just well enough
so that i could grow up poor around
white people
[Applause]
and to be honest when nas and them talk
about the projects [ __ ] i used to get
jealous
because it sounded fun
everybody in the projects was poor and
that’s fair
but if you were poor in silver spring
[ __ ] it felt like it was only happening
to you
i know the pain
of that first sleepover at a white
friend’s house
when you come back home on sunday and
just look at your parents like
y’all need to step your game up
everything in timmy’s house works
remember the first time you saw that
in a cold winter and to be at a white
friend’s house and see the [ __ ]
in their living room without their coats
on
timmy was one of my first
white friends like in my life man
good dude too he moved to silver spring
from utah of all places
i guess his family was affiliated with
that mormon church they got down there
and
me and him used to hang out and one day
i was at his house we were just hanging
out and timmy says dave
why don’t you stay for dinner tonight i
said oh man i’d love to but i can’t
if i’m not home before dark my mother
will kill me
that was a lot
my mother had several jobs i hadn’t seen
her like three or four days
that point in my life it was my
experience
that white dinner wasn’t delicious
i’d rather go home and fry some bologna
or some [ __ ] like that
[Applause]
but then old timmy threw me a curve ball
i wasn’t expecting he said oh it’s too
bad you can’t stay dave because um
mom uh
made stove top stuffing
i said what the [ __ ] stove top
well hold on [ __ ] let me make some
phone calls real quick
i had seen that commercial so many times
i had dreamt of getting my hands on some
of that stovetop stuffing
and finally i met a [ __ ] that
actually had a boxing stove top in the
house i couldn’t miss this opportunity
so i pretended to call my mother
and then i came back and i said timmy
timmy you’re not going to believe this
great news mom said i can stay he said
fantastic he said why don’t you come
with me and we’ll help set the table and
then we can say the blessing i had no
interest in setting this [ __ ]
table of saying these crazy ass mormon
prayers
i just wanted that god damn stuffing
hands first my plan was simple
wash my hands slowly and by the time i’m
done the table will be set the blessing
will be said and all that there will be
left to do
is
eat i went to the bathroom
i washed my hands very slowly i must
have been in there for about 10 minutes
and suddenly
one of his mothers came to the door
[Applause]
she was like hi
david right
i said yes ma’am
she said timmy tells me that you’re
planning on staying for dinner
i said i hope that’s not a problem ma’am
she says no it’s no problem in fact we’d
love to have you it’s just that we
weren’t expecting company and i’m afraid
there’s not enough
stove top stuffing
for everybody
so i kicked her in the [ __ ] bam
ladies and gentlemen
i told you i’m dope [ __ ]
i told you i was gonna say and you still
didn’t see it coming
and that’s why i make the big bucks
[Applause]
oh my god
but there’s more important reason that i
would stop doing comedy right now
and this reason is the real reason
that’s been percolating and it really is
the crowd not you
i’m talking about
the crowd on the big stage it’s too hard
to entertain a country whose ears are so
brittle
[ __ ] are so sensitive the whole
country is turned into bitch-ass [ __ ]
everything you say upsets somebody
you know i can remember when it all
started it was when i was doing
chappelle show when i was doing
chappelle show
i just do the show and then on the
weekends i do like concerts and [ __ ]
like that so i’m doing a concert and
there was a couple in the front row
beautiful couple the wife wife is
obviously asian
you can see it in her face
the husband
this [ __ ] was mysterious to say
the least
couldn’t quite pinpoint where he was
from caramel colored fella very nice
hair but it could have been from
anywhere bangladesh mexico i can’t guess
with a [ __ ] like this
all i knew for sure
about this guy
is that his wife was a [ __ ]
i could see that in her face too
no he was laughing and having a good
time and she was scowling at me at a
goddamn comedy show i couldn’t figure it
out
and then i realized at some point that
she was pregnant and i was smoking on
stage i said oh my god that’s probably
why she’s mad so i started to put my
cigarette out but then she hit me with
one of them fake non-smoker calls
so i just kept smoking i thought to
myself [ __ ] that babe would be fine
relax
and i tried to break the tension i just
asked her that’s all i said i go hey
where you guys from anyway and i could
tell that she was on to me she goes very
condescendingly she says
i’m from
california
if you’re asking my ethnicity
i am china [ __ ] he was like a mexican
bro
i said well i’m sorry if i offended you
by asking but you’re a very beautiful
couple
and miss there’s no question that you’re
going to give birth
to the hardest working baby this world
has ever seen
[Applause]
that’s not a bad joke
she got very upset she got up to leave
immediately but she didn’t just leave
she had to take one last dig at me on
the way out
i will never
buy one of your [ __ ] dvds again dave
chappelle
i said ma’am with all due respect
chinese people don’t buy dvds
[Applause]
and the crowd went crazy we’ve all
laughing having a good time i didn’t
even think anything of it and then just
three days later this lady sends a
[ __ ] letter to my promoter telling
him not to book me for shows anymore
because i was quote racist huh and
and i’m quoting her insensitive to the
nature of my interracial marriage i was
like word [ __ ] i was
and she she would know that i myself am
in an interracial marriage
that’s
right in fact
my wife is asian too
surprised [ __ ] i’ll see you on
thanksgiving
but my wife’s not chinese
she’s filipino
that’s right that’s right and our kids
are puerto ricans somehow so there you
go
i don’t give a [ __ ] about interracial in
fact you know what my mother is half
white a lot of people don’t know that
right you were a little too excited but
okay
a lot of people don’t believe me when i
say that but it’s true you can’t tell
looking at me
but if i grew my hair out
you would think he was at a [ __ ] cat
williams concert my shoes
my [ __ ] is beautiful