By Chip Dankerson, Senior Analyst in Vaporware and Hot Air
In a keynote that left Silicon Valley gasping for air (and not from smoke), Apple today unveiled its boldest, most uncalled-for innovation yet: the iBong 3000. Sleek, over-engineered, and wildly impractical, the iBong 3000 is set to “revolutionize the way you get high,” according to Apple’s VP of Product Delusion, Trent Vapeworth.
“Other bongs are just tubes with water,” Vapeworth said, dramatically pacing a minimalist stage set. “We saw a vertical cylinder… and said: what if this cost two grand and couldn’t be cleaned without a certified technician?”
Priced at $1,999, the iBong 3000 features Face ID activation, titanium aeration chambers, and—of course—an unremovable MagSmoke charging cable. It ships in only one color: “Space Resin.”
Features That No One Needed
- Face ID Bowl Lock: Refuses to light unless it recognizes your face. “I just wanted to smoke, but it keeps telling me I’m my cousin,” said early tester Bryce Phogg, who claims to have been locked out of his own bong for three days.
- iOS 17.420 Compatibility: Fully integrates with Apple Health to track your lung capacity and anxiety levels in real-time. A new notification system gently reminds users: “You seem paranoid. Maybe go outside?”
- Proprietary Water Pods: Retailing at $29.99 per pod, these “aqua flavor spheres” must be replaced weekly. Available in classic Apple flavors like “Mountain Clarity” and “Distilled Think Different.”
A Word From the Experts
“This is the best Apple product since the Apple Pippin,” said Chet Waveman, editor-in-chief of TechnoChronic Weekly. “It’s needlessly sleek, absurdly expensive, and doesn’t let you use third-party herb. Honestly, I’m impressed.”
Apple insists the iBong 3000 is a “luxury smoking experience” designed to fit seamlessly into the Apple ecosystem. “If you already have an iPhone, Apple Watch, and AirPods, it just makes sense to unify your toking habits under one secure operating system,” said product designer Leaf Jobs (no relation, but legally changed).
Cleaning? There’s a Subscription for That
Don’t even think about rinsing it yourself. The iBong 3000 requires a $14.99/month iClean+ subscription. For $29.99/month, the Pro tier includes a “Bong Concierge” who appears via FaceTime to shame your ash buildup and schedule a Genius Bar deep clean.
What’s Next?
Rumors suggest Apple is already working on a follow-up: the iBong 3000 Mini, which will be exactly the same size but less functional. Meanwhile, Android users can expect to mock all of this for three days before Samsung releases the Galaxy Puff S Ultra, which folds in half and occasionally explodes.
Happy April Fool’s. And remember: always update your firmware before you inhale.
